So they call me "Cherry Pie"

Reasons not to mess with children:

2007-01-13T11:10:00.000-08:00

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
*****
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."
*****
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
*****
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
*****
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
*****
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
*****
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Wanna make some extra $

2006-11-08T17:30:00.000-08:00

Come join me at myLot.. Hope to see you there!!

Daddy's Poem

2006-09-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

Her hair was up in a pony tail,
her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
and she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her,
that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
if she went to school alone
But she was not afraid;
she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried,
for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
she tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school
eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
a dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall in back,
for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
anxious in their seats.
One by one the teacher called
a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
as seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name,
every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
for a man who wasn't there.
"Where's her daddy at?"
she heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one,"
another student dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back,
she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offend her,
as she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back,
slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
came words incredibly unique.
"My Daddy couldn't be here,
because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
and how much he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories
he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
and taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes,
and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I'm not standing here alone.
"Cause my daddy's always with me,
even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
he'll forever be in my heart".
With that, her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
beneath her favorite dress.
And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love
of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down,
staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
but its message clear and loud.
"I love my daddy very much,
he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
but heaven's just too far.
You see he was a fireman
and died just this past year
When airplanes crashed the towers
and taught Americans to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes,
and saw him there that day.
And to her mothers amazement,
she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
all starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them,
who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
they saw him at her side.
"I know you're with me Daddy,"
to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it,
for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
that heaven is never too far.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them,
but then an entire life to forget them.

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

2006-09-14T18:09:00.000-07:00

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Before I was a Mom

2006-09-10T19:56:00.000-07:00

Before I was a Mom  
I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how
late I got into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom I had never been puked on.
Pooped on. Spit on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the
hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and
happy.

Before I was a Mom
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make
sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the
wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

And before I was a Grandma
I didn't know that all those "Mom" feelings more than doubled!
Send this to someone who you think is a special Mom or Grandma.

I just did.

Subject: 25 Signs You Have Grown Up

2006-09-10T19:50:00.000-07:00

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. Six a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for Ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. Ninety per cent of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26. You read this entire list, looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company.

2006-09-10T18:31:00.000-07:00

1. The next time you order checks have only your initials (instead of first name) and last name put on them. If someone takes your checkbook, they will not know if you sign your checks with just your initials or your first name, but your bank will know how you sign your checks.
2. Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, put "PHOTO ID REQUIRED."
3. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on the "For" line. Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check-processing channels will not have access to it.
4. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box, use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO Box, use your work address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks, (DUH!). You can add it if it is necessary. However, if you have it printed, anyone can get it.
5. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. Also carry a photocopy of your passport when traveling either here or abroad. We have all heard horror stories about fraud that is committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, credit cards.
6. When you check out of a hotel that uses cards for keys (and they all seem to do that now), do not turn the "keys" in. Take them with you and destroy them. Those little cards have on them all of the information you gave the hotel, including address and credit card numbers and expiration dates. Someone with a card reader, or employee of the hotel, can access all that information with no problem whatsoever.

Unfortunately, as an attorney, I have first hand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieves ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer and received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online. Here is some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know:

1. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. The key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them.
2. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your credit cards, etc., were stolen. This proves to credit providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one). However, here is what is perhaps most important of all (I never even thought to do this.)
3. Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and Social Security number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen, and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit. By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases,none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them dead in their tracks.
Now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet and contents being stolen:
1.) Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
2.) Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
3.) TransUnion: 1-800-680-7289
4.) Social Security Administration (fraud line): 1-800-269-0271

2006-07-27T15:59:00.000-07:00

How do you decide whom to marry?

According to a few kids.
==========================

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like

sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the

chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with. - Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then. - Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling

at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know

each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets

them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10

(Who said boys do not have brains)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers

and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that. - Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry

them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.- Howard, age 8

(Who made the rule)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
out. - Theodore, age 8 (Too much detail for his age)

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone

to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD IT BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

- Kelvin, age 8

and the #1 Favorite is.....!

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

- Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands)

If my body was a car

2006-07-19T14:48:00.000-07:00

If my body were a car,
this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my
finish and my paint job is getting a little dull,
but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into
things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
almost every time I sneeze,
cough or sputter.....
either my radiator leaks
or my exhaust backfires!!

Poem

2006-07-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,

Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.

And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,

He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.

And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.

Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.

"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him"

But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.

Around the corner, yet miles away,
Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."

And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself.

Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.
Because when you decide that it is the right time it might
Be too late.

Seize the day. Never have regrets.

And most importantly, stay close to your friends
And family, for they have helped make you the person that you are
today.

Female comebacks:

2006-07-11T15:17:00.000-07:00

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Women

2006-06-13T15:51:00.000-07:00

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, b ut pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. T he dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

THE PERFECT PASSWORD

2006-06-01T15:37:00.000-07:00

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need
to enter a password. Something he will use to log on to the computer.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when thecomputer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Rules of Texas:

2006-06-01T15:34:00.000-07:00

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They
smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go
east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven

only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we
WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the

Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads.

We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce! !

Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat...

IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in San Antonio....

and real chili never met a tomato!

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards --

it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Texas Tech, Texas A&M or University of Texas. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas," If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

TUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

2006-05-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

This lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sig n that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!"

Reasons

2006-05-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to! assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to! use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!!!!!!

2006-05-11T18:57:00.000-07:00

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby............

Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "Normal," is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct...

Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
Somebody said being a mother is boring......

Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good."

Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices.....

Somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother....

Somebody never helped a fourth grader with her math.

Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first.....

Somebody doesn't have five children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books........

Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery.......

Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.

or on a plane headed for military "boot camp."

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied

behind her back.......

Somebody never organized four giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married......

Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home....

Somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her........

Somebody isn't a mother.

'ARKANSAS CUT'

2006-05-10T18:55:00.000-07:00

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations! keep their rest-room's so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Daddy's Poem

2006-05-06T13:58:00.000-07:00

Her hair was up in a pony tail,
her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
and she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,
that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,
for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
she tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school
eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,
for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
anxious in their seats.

One by one the teacher called
a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
for a man who wasn't there.

"Where's her daddy at?"
she heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one,"
another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
too busy to waste his day."

The words did not offend her,
as she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,
slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
came words incredibly unique.

"My Daddy couldn't be here,
because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories
he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I'm not standing here alone.

"Cause my daddy's always with me,
even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
he'll forever be in my heart".

With that, her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,
staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
but its message clear and loud.

"I love my daddy very much,
he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
but heaven's just too far.

You see he was a policeman
and died just this past year
When airplanes hit the towers
and taught Americans to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes,
and saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,
she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,
who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
they saw him at her side.

"I know you're with me Daddy,"
to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,
for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
that heaven is never too far.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them,
but then an entire life to forget them.

50 Things Cool about Being a Man

2006-05-05T16:05:00.000-07:00

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work ... more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything different?"

19. One mood, ALL the damn time.

20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

22. You can open all your own jars.

23. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

24. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

25. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

26. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be friends.

27. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

28. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

29. Everything on your face stays its original color

30. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

31. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

32. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

33. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, ''He must be mad at me."

34. No maxi-pads.

35. You don't mooch off other's desserts.

36. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

37. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

38. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

39. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

40. You almost never have strap problems in public.

41. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

42. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

43. You don't have to shave below your neck.

44. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

45. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

46. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

47. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

48. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.

49. The world is your urinal.

50. Ten Things Men Know for Sure About Women.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have tits.

Oil Change for Women & Men Which is right?

2006-05-03T15:15:00.000-07:00

Oil Change Instructions for Women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
The last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
Maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, and cleaner and a scented tree, write a Check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,
Drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in Process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
Filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
Everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
Trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
Oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
Drag Pan Full of old oil out from underneath car Cleverly dump oil in hole
In back
Yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
To gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
Along
With drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
Dirt
Into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch
Of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
Lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
Oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
Tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling
Trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop
Blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
During steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!

A recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

2006-04-28T19:38:00.000-07:00

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens
when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you
will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten
routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for too long.
When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get
Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot
stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in
front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is
called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not
enough to live on.

Subject: Walmart Greeter

2006-04-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of
resumes he found four people who w! ere equally qualified. He
decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their
answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came
and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer
asked, "What is the ! fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A
THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that
it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I
know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?"
he asked the second man.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't
know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a
very popular cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man
who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on
the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out
across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than
an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can
think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light,"
he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer
posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous
answers. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is
DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants."
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!!!!

I needed a smile, what about you?..............................

2006-04-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the Wife passed away. The undertaker told the
Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he

would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?" The man replied,

"Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From the Easter Bunny...

2006-04-16T07:18:00.000-07:00

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work & no play can make you a basket case.

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.

Good things come in small sugar coated packages.

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.

To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

Happy Easter!

Story

2006-04-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Tony, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.

Girls night out...

2006-04-12T04:46:00.000-07:00

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
My husband that I would be home by midnight: "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around
3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home Just as I got in the door, the
Cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
Quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(E ven when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
= MIDNITE!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
One!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
Three times, then said, "Oh. Shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
Throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
Tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Men

2006-04-04T19:01:00.000-07:00

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one ..

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight..
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Boy or Girl

2006-03-17T17:47:00.000-08:00

Well Mr. Fu-qtoo & I fount out we are having another BOY!

Ethan Arthur Luhring

So that will makes 4 boys now. Im due on Aug 12th! Yea!!!!!!!!

Actual call centre conversations!

2006-03-16T07:11:00.000-08:00

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; May I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power........................ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

2006-03-16T07:08:00.000-08:00

A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?"

Women are.... Men are.............

2006-03-15T17:14:00.000-08:00

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come
along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of
the tree.

Now Men:

Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women
to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable
to have dinner with.

He said...She said.....

2006-03-15T17:13:00.000-08:00

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said.Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said...That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said.What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said.How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said.We don't know; it has never happened.

He said.Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said.They already have boyfriends.

She said.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said.A widow.

He said.Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Eight Words with Two Meanings

2006-03-15T17:12:00.000-08:00

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest ___expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Mean Moms...

2006-03-03T15:19:00.000-08:00

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic
that motivates a parent, I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me: I
loved you enough . . . to ask where you were going, with whom, and
what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you
cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes. I loved
you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes.
Children must learn that their parents are not perfect.

I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your
actions, even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my
heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to say NO when I knew
you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won
them, because in the end you won, too. And someday when your children
are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents, you
will tell them.

Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the meanest mom in
the whole world! While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to
have cereal, eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie
for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches. And you can guess our mom fixed us a
dinner that was different from what other kids had, too.

Mom insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think
we were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were,
and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would
be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the
Child Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make
the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash,
and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night
thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could
read our minds and had eyes in the back of her head. Then, life was
really tough!

Mom wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove
up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them. While
everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until
we were 16.

Because of our mom we missed out on lots of things other kids
experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing
other's property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her
fault.

Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults.
We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was.

I think that is what's wrong with the world today. It just
doesn't have enough me

Modern and cute version of birds and bees.

2006-03-03T15:17:00.000-08:00

Little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.

"Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had set up a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said: You've got male."

Better get a Kleenex!

2006-03-01T10:09:00.000-08:00

Daddy's Poem

Her hair was up in a pony tail, her favorite dress tied with a bow. Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to go. But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home. Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say. What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today.>But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone. And that was why once again, she tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school eager to tell them all. About a dad she never sees a dad who never calls. There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone to meet. Children squirming impatiently, anxious in their seats one by one the teacher called a student from the class. To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare. Each of them was searching, a man who wasn't there.
"Where's her daddy at?" she heard a boy call out. "She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shout. And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say, "Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offend her, as she smiled up at her Mom. And looked back at her teacher, who told her to go on. And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak. And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique.
"My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away. But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day. And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know. All about my daddy, and how much he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories he taught me to ride my bike. He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite. We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone. And though you cannot see him. I'm not standing here alone.

"Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart I know because he told me, he'll forever be in heart"

With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest. Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress. And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears. Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love of a man not in her life. Doing what was best for her, doing what was right.>And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd. She finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud.
"I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star. And if he could, he'd be here, but heaven's just too far. You see he was a policeman and died just this past year When airplanes hit the towers and taught Americans to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away." And then she closed her eyes, and saw him>there that day. And to her mothers amazement, she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side.

"I know you're with me Daddy," to the silence she called out. And what happened next made believers, of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the love of her shining star. And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never too far.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Send this to the people you'll never forget and remember to send it also to the person that sent it to you. It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them.

Take the time... to live and love.
Until eternity

The 6 Affairs

2006-02-22T15:41:00.000-08:00

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
"We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! "You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,
"I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe,"
he said to hiswife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a
damned thing."

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business
down here."

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.
" I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and
your mother!"
I know," she replied, now just rest and let the poison work."

SOUTHERNOSITY

2006-02-20T14:17:00.000-08:00

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a "hissy fit" and "conniption fit," and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who has trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southerness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads, "I ain't from the South but I got here as fast as I could."

MUST KNOW *677

2006-02-16T15:25:00.000-08:00

I knew about the red light on cars, but not the *677. It was about 1:00 p.m. in the afternoon, and Lauren was driving to visit a friend. An UNMARKED police car pulled up behind her and put his lights on. *Lauren's parents have always told them never to pull over for an unmarked car on the side of the road, but rather to wait until they get to a gas station, etc. *
Lauren had actually listened to her parents advice, and promptly called *677 on her cell phone to tell the police dispatcher that she would not pull over right away. She proceeded to tell the dispatcher that there was an unmarked police car with a flashing red light on his rooftop behind her. The dispatcher checked to see if there were police cars where she was and there weren't, and he told her to keep driving, remain calm and that he had back up already on the way.
Ten minutes later 4 cop cars surrounded her and the unmarked car behind her.
One policeman went to her side and the others surrounded the car behind. They pulled the guy from the car and tackled him to the ground. The man was a convicted rapist and wanted for other crimes.
I never knew about the *677 Cell Phone Feature, but especially for a woman alone in a car, you should not pull over for an unmarked car. Apparently police have to respect your right to keep going to a safe & quiet place. You obviously need to make some signals that you acknowledge them (i.e. put on your hazard lights) or call *677 like Lauren did.
Too bad the cell phone companies don't generally give you this little bit of wonderful information.
*Speaking to a service representative at **Bell** Mobility confirmed that *677 was a direct link to OPP Dispatch. So, now it's your turn to let your friends know about *677.

Men are like.....................

2006-02-16T15:23:00.000-08:00

1. Men are like .Laxatives They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like . Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like . Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like . Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like.... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like . Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like.... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ..... Popcorn ... . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like . Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are hadicapped.

THE GOOD NAPKINS...ahhhhh...the joys of having girls...

2006-02-14T15:35:00.000-08:00

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).....

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was open. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake)...

Now, fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and aunt for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle walked into the dining room first and immediately burst into laughter.

Next, in came my aunt who gasped, then began giggling. Next, in came my father, who roared with laughter. Then in came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top.

I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! (This was back in the day before they used an adhesive to stick to the panties)

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"

Isn't it easier to just tell the truth? And be careful who you ask to set the table for you!

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

2006-02-14T15:33:00.000-08:00

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vaca! tion time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going
to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you
forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do
the same

Joke

2006-02-03T07:58:00.000-08:00

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got
caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,"& nbsp;she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out,& nbsp;but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the
ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle
of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob
said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that
I did."
"And did you happen to use my name inste ad of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I
did." "Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different? Now keep that smile for
the rest of the day!!)

VIBE

2006-02-03T07:54:00.000-08:00

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife and daughter came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. They entered that area and observed the husband/father sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

True Friendship.............

2006-02-01T13:18:00.000-08:00

Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually come close to reality?
When you are sad-- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the
sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue-- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile-- I will know you finally got laid.
When you are scared-- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried-- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse
it could be until you quit whining.
When you are confused-- I will use little words.
When you are sick--Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I
don't want whatever you have.
When you fall-- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath.....I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you
are my friend".
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can
only think of 4.
Remember.... A good friend will help you move.... a REALLY good friend will
help you move a body.....let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.
FRIENDSHIP IS LIKE PEEING YOUR PANTS, EVERYONE CAN SEE IT, BUT ONLY YOU CAN
FEEL THE TRUE WARMTH.

Blonde joke

2006-02-01T13:17:00.000-08:00

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a
little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped
your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in
the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde". She pinned the note inside
the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown
bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was
the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one
blonde would do this to another!"

WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:

2006-01-31T13:11:00.000-08:00

YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES....

YOU HAVE NO WORRIES....

YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU...

YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN...

YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS...

YOUR PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES...

SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE.....

IN THE WRONG F_____ING HOUSE......

HMMMMMM

2006-01-31T05:36:00.000-08:00

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hidesin the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy! , "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...
that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."

WARNING

2006-01-31T05:35:00.000-08:00

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to
be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many
females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female
sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to
go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume
a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached
sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers,
men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking
women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer,
men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to
them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something
bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship" In extreme cases,
the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male
into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as
"marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim
to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male
support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking
encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest
you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

MEN

2006-01-24T12:54:00.000-08:00

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
_____________________________________________________________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said -
That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!
_________________________________________________________________________

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
_____________________________________________________________________

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants
every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Only If

2006-01-24T12:53:00.000-08:00

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get
rid of your control top panty hose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept
silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her
breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get
rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed
him by his "wackie." With a death grip in place, she said, "You
know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the
postman, the pool man, and your brother.

Understanding people better

2006-01-23T12:29:00.000-08:00

JANUARY

Stubborn. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Never looks at people's flaws or weaknesses. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tense. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Loving and loyal. Loves children. Has great social abilities. Money cautious, can budget successfully.

FEBRUARY

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determi ned to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH

Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decor. Musically tal ented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL

Active and dynamic. Decisive and hastey but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY

Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and m entally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many ch ildren. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE
Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite. Has lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitates, tends to put things off. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Makes friends easily. Shows character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Easily bored. Fussy and stubborn. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious.

JULY

Fun to be with. Secretive. Sometimes difficult to understand. Quiet unless excited or tense. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation for hard work. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly, but not always approachable. Emotionally temperamental. Moody and easily hurt. Witty. Not mean or revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and illogical things. Sensitive and forms friendships carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Broods about the past and misses old friends. Quiet, homey person. Has difficulty making new friends. Prone to having dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST

Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egotistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER

Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Stubborn. Quiet. comfortable if have to talk t o a group. Calm. Sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Secretive. Loves sports and leisure Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships.

OCTOBER

Loves children. Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Sexy. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making new friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Day dreamer. Loyal. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Honest, does not pretend. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenc ed. Easily loses confidence. Loves children

NOVEMBER

Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciates praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trust worthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions.

DECEMBER

Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactio ns. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy.. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions.

Bipolar Disorder More Common in Teens Than Thought

2006-01-23T07:12:00.000-08:00

Up to 20 percent with psychiatric problems may have the condition, study suggests.

FRIDAY, Dec. 30 (HealthDay News) -- Bipolar disorder is more common than expected among teens hospitalized for psychiatric problems.

Doctors at Bradley Hospital in Providence, R.I., found that up to 20 percent of adolescents in psychiatric units may have the condition, also known as manic depression.

The disorder is characterized by dramatic mood swings -- extreme elation to irritability, sadness and hopelessness, then back again.

"There are often periods of normal mood in between, but there is always accompanying serious impairment in functions," said study co-author Dr. Jeffrey Hunt, a child psychiatrist at the hospital and an assistant professor at Brown Medical School.

The report appears in the December issue of the Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychopharmacology.

The disorder was considered to be rare in children and adolescents, but the authors say that screening patients for bipolar disorder immediately after they are admitted to a psychiatric unit can lead to better diagnosis and treatment. Frequently, patients are admitted and treated for symptoms of depression, but the medication can have an adverse effect for someone who suffers from bipolar disorder, the authors said.

The disorder can be difficult to diagnose because some of the symptoms can also be seen as regular traits in children, among them impulsivity, irritability and hyperactivity.

The researchers used a two-pronged approach to diagnose 391 admissions to the inpatient unit at Bradley. They took medical histories of the patients and their families, along with K-SADS, the Kiddie Schedule for Affective Disorders and Schizophrenia, a series of questions that lead to a mania rating. In this way, they determined that about 20 percent were manic-depressive.

Previously, the common rate was thought to be about 1 percent.

The authors also found that bipolar patients were more suicidal and aggressive, and needed higher levels of care than patients with depression.

A blind man

2006-01-23T05:58:00.000-08:00

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep,husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Subject: DON'T BUY PEPSI IN THE NEW CAN!

2006-01-19T06:40:00.000-08:00

Don't buy Pepsi in the new can. Pepsi has a new "patriotic" can
coming out with pictures of the Empire State Building, and the
Pledge of Allegiance on them.
However, Pepsi left out two little words on the pledge,
"Under God."
Pepsi said they didn't want to offend anyone.
In that case, we don't
want to offend anyone at the Pepsi corporate office, either!
So if we don't buy any Pepsi product, they will not be offended
when they don't receive our money that has the words
"In God We Trust" on it.

Good to know!

2006-01-18T10:47:00.000-08:00

Regards, WHAT TO DO IF YOU GET A TRAFFIC TICKET advice was sent by a
retired State Farm agent! This system has been tried and it works in every
state. If you get a speeding ticket or went through a red light, or
whatever the case may be, you're going to get points on your license and a
surcharge on your auto insurance. This is a method to ensure that you DO
NOT get the points. When you get your fine, send in a check to pay for
it. If the fine is $79.00 make the check out for $82.00 some small amount
over the fine. The system will then have to send you back a check for the
difference, however, here is the trick. DO NOT CASH THE REFUND CHECK! Throw
it away! Points are not assessed to your license until all financial
transactions are complete. If you do not cash the check, then the
transactions are NOT complete. The system has received its money and is
satisfied and will no longer bother you. This information comes from an
unmentionable computer company that sets up the standard databases used by
every state.

Cell Phone Users Beware!

2006-01-17T05:18:00.000-08:00

Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 or more for 411 / information calls when they don't have to.

When you need to use the 411 / information option, simply dial 1-800-FREE-411 (1-800-373-3411) without incurring a charge at all except for the minutes required to make the call.

This is information people don't mind receiving - Pass it on.

Works on home phone also.

The Redneck Engineer Challenge

2006-01-16T05:37:00.000-08:00

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called "smart" ass Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane ( B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya .... There's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece .

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

2006-01-07T15:17:00.000-08:00

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually take time to search for a golf ball.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. the same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What does Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight Seal.

Q. what's the difference between "oooooh" and "aaaaaah?
A. About three inches

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.

Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. About 45 lbs.

Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. About 45 minutes.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

There are many more but they are all "xxx" so i will close for
now.... oooohhhh so you really want to know? o-k

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A. Six inches is medium, and eight inches is rare.

Contract Cancelled

2006-01-07T15:08:00.000-08:00

After serious & cautious consideration, your
Contract of Friendship
has been renewed for the new year - 2006.
It was a very difficult decision to make.
So try not to fuck it up!!!

Men's Weight Loss Program

2006-01-07T15:07:00.000-08:00

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. As he wondered how the heck he would do it, he comes across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thinks to himself. But desperate, he calls them and subscribes to the 3 day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and there stands a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young woman dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign says, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing he finally catches and has his way with her.

After she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reeboks running shoes and a sign around her neck that says, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.

For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and finds he has lost another 20 lbs a s promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone,"this is our most rigorous program." Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it, he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

I am Thankful :

2006-01-01T07:11:00.000-08:00

FOR THE HUSBAND (or loved one)
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM EMPLOYED.

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE! IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH..

FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I! HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.

New Year's Party Safety

2005-12-30T10:46:00.000-08:00

Under Texas law, bars, restaurants, and other commercial vendors must refuse alcohol to obviously intoxicated patrons who create a danger to themselves or others. A commercial vendor that fails to do this could be responsible for harm to the drunk driver or innocent third parties.

But who is to blame when a guest drinks too much at a friend's party and then causes an accident on the way home? According to the Texas Supreme Court, the answer is: the drunk driver. Attorney Tim Powers takes a look at party host responsibilities for New Year's Eve.

A party host is NOT responsible for accidents caused by guests who drink at their party. The court has declined to hold a social host responsible for serving intoxicated adults, guests between the ages of 18 and 20, and even guests under 18. Rationale: the average party host is not as capable of monitoring his or her guests' alcohol consumption as people in the business of selling alcohol.

A host can be responsible for accidents caused by guests if a special relationship exists that allows the host to control the guests' behavior (like an employer and employee). The easiest way to avoid ever having to think about this issue is to put the drunken guests in a cab!

For more legal information, go to TimPowers.com.

12 ways to fight soaring heating bills

2005-12-30T09:38:00.000-08:00

Rising prices for heating oil and natural gas could mean big bills this winter. Here are some things you can do to cut your costs.

The unrelenting rise in oil and natural gas prices is about to run headlong into the steady approach of winter. Oil prices have roared to fresh record highs each time the U.S. government reported another fall in heating fuel stocks ahead of winter. World prices have surged on fears that the United States is running out of time to build winter fuel supplies.

The Energy Information Administration forecasts that households in the Midwest could spend 71% more this winter for natural gas and 40% more for propane than last winter; those in the Northeast that use heating oil could spend 33% more; and Southern households could see a 17% rise in their electricity bills. Nationwide, we’ll see an overall increase of 24% in winter heat bills, the EIA forecasts.

The EIA is assuming typical winter weather, but the big forecasters call for a colder than normal season, especially east of the Mississippi.

What to do? Well, don’t simply grit your teeth and wait for a big bill.

Here are more than a dozen simple steps you can take to slash your home’s heating bill. Seven steps cost nothing. Eight more cost under $100. Combine them, and you can often expect to save 20% -- and possibly much, much more -- on your home heating bill this winter. And some new federal tax breaks even sweeten the opportunity.

Grab that free, low-hanging fruit
First, the freebies. These strategies may sound simplistic, but they work well:

Turn down the thermostat. “The rule of thumb is that you can save about 3% on your heating bill for every degree that you set back your thermostat” full-time, says Bill Prindle, deputy director for the nonprofit American Council for an Energy-Efficient Economy (ACEEE). Turn down the thermostat 10 degrees when you go to work, and again when you go to bed -- a total of 16 hours a day -- and you can save about 14% on your heating bill, says Prindle.
Use fans wisely. In just one hour, a hard-working bathroom or kitchen fan can expel a houseful of warm air, according to the Department of Energy. Turn them off as soon as they’ve done their job.
Keep the fireplace damper closed. Heat rises, and an open damper is like a hole in the roof. Also, limit use of the fireplace, since fires actually suck heat from a room, says Harvey Sachs, director of ACEEE’s buildings program. Close off seldom-used rooms. And shut the vents inside.
Turn down the water heater. Lowering the temperature of water in the water heater to 115-120 degrees reduces power use often without a noticeable difference to the user, says Prindle.
Keep heating vents clear. Vents blocked by rugs and furniture prevent heated air from circulating efficiently.
Use curtains. Opening curtains and shades on south-facing windows during the day allows solar radiation to warm a living space; closing all curtains at night helps retard the escape of that heat.
Web sites on the topic abound, but one of the best is run by the Department of Energy.
Low-cost fixes
So you’ve put the easiest, and free, ideas to work. Now you can really make a dent in that heating bill with one cheap trip to a hardware store (Home Depot, for example, has all of the items below) and a few hours of work:

Block that leak! The small gaps surrounding windows, doors and other areas in the American house, taken together, are like a nine-square-foot hole in the wall, according to EarthWorks Group’s “30 Simple Energy Things You Can Do to Save the Earth.” Plugging them can save you up to 10% on that heating bill, and the materials will pay for themselves within a year, ACEEE says.
First, find the leaks: On a windy day, hold a lit incense stick to the most common drafty areas: chimney flashing, recessed lighting, sill plates, window and door frames, all ducts and flues and electrical outlets.

Buy door sweeps ($3-$10) to close spaces under exterior doors, and caulk ($2-$5 per roll, plus a $10 caulk gun) or tacky rope caulk to block those drafty spots around window frames. Apply weatherstripping ($3-$6 for up to 17 feet) to moveable joints. Outlet gaskets ($10 for 10) can easily be installed in electrical outlets in a home’s outer walls, where cold air often enters.

Keep your ducts in a row. A home that uses ductwork to move heated air can lose up to 60% of that air before it reaches the vents if the ducts are poorly connected, not well insulated and travel through unheated spaces such as the attic or crawlspace, says the government. “If you are a halfway savvy do-it-yourselfer, and your ductwork and heating and air-conditioning equipment are in the attic, you can do an awful lot to fix your system, at low cost,” says Sachs.
First, look for obvious places in the attic, basement or in crawlspaces where ducts have become disconnected. Reconnect them, and fix places where pipes are pinched, which impedes flow of heated air to the house, says the Department of Energy’s Ryan.

Fix remaining gaps with tape, but don’t use traditional duct tape, which deteriorates; instead, use metal-backed tape ($6-$10 per roll) or aerosol sealant. Where possible, wrap the ducts’ exterior with special duct insulation ($8-$12 for 15 feet). Though the cost will be substantially more, it’s a good idea to get a professional to help insulate ducts when electrical wires or lighting fixtures are nearby.

Swaddle water heater and pipes. Unless you’ve got a newer water heater that already has built-in insulation, covering your water heater with an insulated “jacket” ($17-$20) will keep costs down, especially if your heater is in an unheated place like a garage. Also, wrap water pipes ($1-$5 per 5-foot section) when possible, especially when they run through uninsulated areas.
Winterize windows. If you can’t afford storm windows, put plastic film on those windows ($6 covers three windows) where a clear view isn’t crucial, which will curb drafts and keep windows from rattling.
Buy a low-flow showerhead. A water-efficient showerhead (often less than $20) can use 25% to 50% less hot water, saving both on water and power bills, with little to no reduction in user satisfaction, says Prindle.
Buy a smart thermostat. If you’re the kind of person who forgets to turn the temperature down at night and before work, but who doesn’t mind programming things like the TV remote control, a “smart” thermostat ($50-$100) can be set to change the temperature for you.
Keep your furnace in shape. “It’s amazing how often a heating or air conditioning unit stops working because a $3 or $15 air filter is clogged,” says Sachs. Replace the air filter ($4-$16) according to manufacturer’s directions and your heating system will operate more efficiently.
Oil-fired boilers should be cleaned and tuned annually, and gas systems, every two years ($100-$125). By maintaining your heating unit, you can save between 3% and 10% on heating bills, says ACEEE.

Look for other insulation opportunities. Some well-placed insulation, especially in the attic of older homes, can save a bundle ($7-$16, in rolls from 22-32 feet, depending on insulation value).

First, however, Sachs recommends going into the attic and looking for black-stained areas on the edges of the fiberglass. That’s dust, and it shows where air is flowing up out of the living space. Sealing that area first will do more good than simply piling on more insulation.

By following all of the aforementioned strategies, the owner of an older home can likely save much more than 20% on heating bills, he says.

Thinking big
So you’ve spent the minimum and will now save a noticeable chunk of money. What else can you do in the future? Replace appliances, heating units, light fixtures and bulbs with high-efficiency replacements.

It costs money to save money, however. While an adequate vinyl window might cost $100-$150, a double-paned window with a low e-rating (that’s a good thing) can cost $50-$100 more, says Nevil Eastwood, director of construction and environmental resources for Habitat for Humanity International in Georgia. “That adds up, when you’ve got 15 windows in your house,” Eastwood acknowledges.

Many experts therefore recommend buying high-efficiency windows and appliances as their predecessors wear out and you need to replace them anyway. Over time, the extra cost is recouped in improved efficiency.

“If your furnace is over 20 years old, you’re probably paying far more to use it,” says Maria Vargas, spokesperson for Energy Star, a federal government-backed program that promotes energy efficiency and that lends its name to energy-saving products. Furnaces bearing the Energy Star label are about 15% more efficient than a standard conventional model, says Vargas.

A Chicago resident might pay an Energy Star premium of $1,400 or so on an average home furnace for that area, Vargas says, but the savings pay off the extra cost in three or four years.

Many utilities offer discounts or rebates on energy-saving products. Call and ask. Loans are also sometimes available for major improvements that will incorporate energy-efficient products or to purchase a high-efficiency home.

Thank you, George W. (sort of)
The Energy Policy Act of 2005 gives most of its $14.5 billion in tax breaks over the next 10 years to businesses, but it does throw a few bones to homeowners, says CCH Inc., a provider of tax and accounting information and software.

Homeowners who make energy-efficient improvements to existing homes can qualify for a 10% tax credit, up to $500. A credit is a dollar-for-dollar reduction in taxes, compared with a deduction, which only decreases taxable income. Improvements that can qualify include adding insulation, metal roofs coated with heat-reducing pigments, and energy-efficient windows, doors and skylights (though only $200 can come from windows).

Other items that meet certain criteria qualify for the credit with specific limitations, according to CCH: Advanced main air circulating fans can earn up to a $50 credit; some natural gas, propane or oil furnace or hot water boilers are eligible for up to a $150 credit; and qualifying electric and geothermal heat pumps qualify for up to a $300 credit. The credits can be taken on 2006 and 2007 returns, but the total credits for the two years cannot exceed the $500 maximum, says CCH.

Here’s the hitch. The tax breaks don’t kick in until Jan. 1, which means consumers have to decide whether to make upgrades now, or wait and pay higher fuel prices. Prindle, ACEEE’s deputy directory, recommends this strategy: make any low-cost repairs and upgrades this fall, then invest in pricier upgrades as soon as the tax breaks kick in.

The act also gives homeowners a tax credit for 30% of the cost of buying and installing residential solar water heating and photovoltaic equipment, says CCH. The maximum credit is $2,000. Solar water heaters for swimming pools and hot tubs do not qualify. The credit, which expires at the end of 2007, also applies to homeowners who install fuel cells to supply electricity. The maximum credit is $500 for each .5 kilowatt of capacity.

POLICE WARNING ABOUT CROOKS AND YOUR TRASH

2005-12-28T13:05:00.000-08:00

Police are warning that the trash you throw away may be tipping off crooks as to what your family got for Christmas. Police say crooks cruise curbs, looking at the boxes people are throwing away, like TVs or stereos, then they try to steal that item from inside the house.

Here are some safety tips:

1.Cut up your boxes and put them in bins or trash bags.
2.Don't put your trash out until the day of your pickup.
3.Take photos of all your valuables, so that you could document your losses to police or your insurance company in case you're a victim of crime.

Battling Belly Fat

2005-12-27T06:14:00.000-08:00

Dr. Joseph McWherter is a practicing doctor and surgeon in Obstetrics and Gynenocology and Medical Director of the FEM Centre & Energy Health Centre clinics in Fort Worth and Colleyville. He is also author of the book Avoiding Breast Cancer While Balancing Your Hormones. Dr. McWherter says that 'spare tire' you've been carrying around your waist may be a lot more dangerous to your health than you think. New research shows the size of your waistline is a key predictor of heart disease. Several studies conducted over the past 10 years have linked this so-called 'belly fat' to a greater risk of heart disease, diabetes, stroke, hypertension, breathing problems, disability, some cancers, and higher mortality rates.

Isn't all fat alike? Not according to recent research. Fat located around your mid-section is mostly VISCERAL fat, or 'VAT' FAT. Visceral fat is a type of deep fat that packs itself around internal organs. The visceral fat cells act like mini chemical factories, churning out a host of hormones and other inflammatory substances that increase our risk of heart disease, diabetes and probably some forms of cancer. A higher amount of belly fat promotes insulin resistance, which raises insulin levels. Higher insulin levels increase appetite, which increases triglycerides and causes the good HDL to go down. And all of these reactions cause blood pressure to increase. How to lose the belly fat:

1.No sweets, no wheats: Dr. McWherter says cut out the sugar and simple carbohydrates such as white bread, pasta and white rice. Avoid foods with the words enriched or white flour, glucose, fructose and corn syrup. Substitute with brown rice, fruits, veggies, fish, chicken, nuts and seeds.

2.Eat fresh and organic foods. Shop the outside aisles at the grocery store- you'll find less processed foods and foods with added sugars. products made with enriched or white flour...period!

3.Every little bit helps: The good news is that losing weight can make a huge difference- even a minimal weight loss helps lower your blood pressure and cholesterol.

4.The only proven method of weight loss is cutting calories and eating smaller portions. Dr. McWherter recommends 1500 calories per day for the average woman and 1800-2000 for the average man. (Always check with your doctor before starting any weight loss plan).

5.Get moving! The best way to stop waist expansion is through regular exercise- 30 minutes of moderate aerobic exercise (such as walking) 4-5 days a week will prevent an increase in belly fat.

For more information and additional tips, log onto www.femcentre.com.

Holiday at the Arboretum

2005-12-27T06:12:00.000-08:00

The Dallas Arboretum once again enchants visitors with Holiday at the Arboretum. Bring your family and enjoy a variety of Yuletide festivities and merriment. Holiday at the Arboretum has something for everyone each day of the week!

The John & Kim Semyan Christmas Collection: This year the 21,000 square foot DeGolyer Estate will be filled with the precious private holiday collections of Kim & John Semyan. The Semyans are graciously sharing hundreds of their cherished, exquisite holiday figures and special event pieces including:
Early 400 Byer's Choice Carolers and several large special event pieces by Joyce Byers
Traditional holiday characters adorned with whimsical details by Lynn West
A beautiful Alice in Wonderland display and other unique pieces by Faith Wick
Distinctive and comical "mature" carolers and additional charming figures by Jacqueline Kent and many more beautiful holiday collectibles!
The Semyans' Christmas Collection will be on display in the DeGolyer Estate daily from 10am to 4pm.
Christmas Tree Maze: For the first time ever, the Dallas Arboretum presents a Christmas tree maze for children of all ages. Visitors are invited to come to the new Texas Town and weave their way through the fragrant maze made with over 100 Christmas trees. The trees used in the maze are graciously donated by Kadee Farm Choose and Cut Christmas Tree Plantation in Greenville, Texas.
Holiday Tea: The Arboretum presents Holiday Tea in the Alex Camp House, a full-served three course tea that is the equivalent of a light lunch. Guests will be served exquisite gourmet treats created especially for the holidays at 11am and 2pm on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays through December 28. Cost is $30.95, or $27.95 for members of the Arboretum, and includes tea, admission to the Garden and parking. Reservations are required and can be placed by calling 214-515-6512. Holiday Tea is for adults ages 13 and up.
All exhibits run through December 31. General Admission: Adults, $8. Seniors 65 and over, $7. Children, ages 3 - 12, $5. Members and children 2 and under, free. Parking, $5.

Gwen Stefani Confirms Pregnancy

2005-12-23T06:21:00.000-08:00

During a Florida concert Wednesday night, GWEN STEFANI confirmed reports that she is pregnant. It will be the first child for the 36-year-old singer and her husband, former BUSH frontman GAVIN ROSSDALE. The two have been married for just over three years, but have been romantically involved since 1995. Gwen is currently on tour in support of her Grammy®-nominated album, Love. Angel. Music. Baby. No word yet on when she is due.

Double-Mouthed Fish Pulled From Neb. Lake

2005-12-23T06:19:00.000-08:00

INCOLN, Neb. - This fish didn't have a chance. A rainbow trout pulled out of Holmes Lake last weekend had double the chance to get hooked: It had two mouths.

Clarence Olberding, 57, wasn't just telling a fisherman's fib when he called over another angler to look at the two-mouthed trout. It weighed in at about a pound.

"I reached down and grabbed it to take the hook out, and that's when I noticed that the hook was in the upper mouth and there was another jaw protruding out below," said Olberding.

He said in his 40 years of fishing, he's never seen anything like it.

Don Gabelhouse, head of the fisheries division of the Nebraska Game and Parks Commission, said a two-mouthed fish was new to him, too.

"It's probably a genetic deformity," he said. "I don't think there's anything wrong with it."

The second mouth didn't appear to be functional, Olberding said. He has plans for the fish, which don't included mounting.

"I'm going to smoke it up and eat it," he said.

Christmas Cookies!

2005-12-21T13:34:00.000-08:00

Welcome back to Christy Rost! This morning, she'll be making a quick and simple recipe that makes a great gift: Santa Claus Cookies. You can find the recipe on our Good Day Recipe link here.

Christy is the host of Fort Worth's television cooking/lifestyle show, "Just Like Home", author of the cookbook, The Family Table, and a regular guest on the national television talk show, "At Home-Live", which reaches 40 million households. You can find Christy via her website: www.easyentertain.com.

TOYS FOR TICKETS

2005-12-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

A local police department has a unique way for punishing traffic violators. Get a speeding ticket and, instead of paying the fine, the police are letting offenders pay their debt to society by donating toys that will be distributed to underprivileged children in the area this holiday season.

Pregnancy myths

2005-12-21T06:26:00.000-08:00

Pregnancy myths and old wives' tales: You've heard them all. Learn what's true and what's not as we expose seven common myths

1. You can tell your baby's gender by the way you are carrying, or by the fetal heartbeat.

Myth. Other than ultrasound and amniocentesis (or chorionic villi sampling), there is no way to determine the gender of the baby you are carrying.

Babies are carried differently based on their presentation (breech, vertex, transverse), their position (anterior, posterior), their gestational age and weight, maternal weight and stature and the mother's parity (whether or not this is her first or eighth baby).

Fetal heartbeat is really no help either. Heart tones may be heard as early as eight to ten weeks using Doppler technology. Until about 20 weeks, it is not unusual to have a fetal heartbeat in the 150 to 160 range. As the baby's heart develops and the neurological system matures, the count may fall to between 130 to 140. The normal range is 120 to 160. Some say that a fast heart rate is a girl, based on the fact that women's heart rates are faster than men's. But if this were the case for an unborn baby, we would all start out as girls and turn into boys!

2. Sleeping on your back can hurt the baby.

Myth. Imagine awakening to find yourself on your back and believing that you have caused some harm to your unborn baby.

Many women believe that blood flow will be reduced through the placenta if they lie on their backs. The origin of this myth can be found in some valid research originally performed in the 1960s and 1970s, which demonstrated that blood flow can be compromised when a mother is forced to labor lying flat on her back. Compression of the vena cava, a major vessel underlying the uterus, may occur in this position when the mother is in labor. This is why women are encouraged to be on their sides, sitting up or walking when they are in labor. Contractions themselves reduce blood flow to the baby for a certain portion of the peak of the contraction. A healthy term baby can tolerate this stress without difficulty. Laboring on one's back may cause fetal compromise when the baby is already stressed, overdue or preterm, or exposed to infection or a very long labor.

As far as the possibility of compromising blood flow by sleeping on one's back, the mother-to-be in this situation would generally be experiencing inadequate oxygen tensions, and this would be considered a high-risk pregnancy. And, if blood flow was indeed compromised, the mother would feel dizzy and very uncomfortable and she would shift to her side naturally. This again would be highly unusual.

If the pregnancy is high risk and hypertension, maternal kidney malfunction, severe water retention or fetal compromise is suspected, resting on the left side is often recommended, but, during a normal pregnancy, a woman may assume any position which she finds comfortable.

3. You can tangle the umbilical cord by raising your arms above your head.

Myth. About 20 to 25 percent of all babies are born with the cord around the neck, and many are born with cords around legs. Some cords are even tied into knots. There is nothing that a mother can do to cause this. Entanglements are caused by fetal activity during early gestation. Long umbilical cords, defined as longer than about 100 cm (most cords are 32 to 80 cm long), seem to contribute to entanglements. Excessively long cords are actually caused by excessive fetal movement.

In the case of this myth, there may have been some benefit for a pregnant mother. If pregnant women were advised not to lift their arms above their bodies, they may have been given less strenuous jobs. This could have resulted in a more rested mom, and possibly a healthier baby.

4. Having sex during pregnancy can hurt the baby.

Myth. While there are some valid medical reasons to avoid sexual activity during pregnancy, in most cases sex is not harmful to the baby and can be very enjoyable for the woman, who may now be noticing enhanced ability to orgasm due to an increase in blood flow to the pelvic floor.

5. You lose a tooth for every baby.

Myth. Today, we know more about good nutrition and its impact on a healthy pregnancy and baby. A balanced diet in combination with appropriate intake of supplements and fortified foods means that no woman should lose any teeth. Ever!

Preconception nutrition is critical for preserving maternal health. It is during the critical preadolescent and adolescent years that women build stores of iron and calcium that prepare them for childbearing. If a woman's diet is deficient in these key minerals, the demands of the growing baby often take precedence. Women should take in 1500 mg of calcium each day, either from food sources or supplements.

Recent evidence suggests that neglecting oral hygiene and dental care can have consequences in pregnancy. Women with poor dental health are at significantly higher risk of preterm labor. While calcium is not lost from the teeth during pregnancy, bone loss can occur if maternal intake of calcium is inadequate.*

6. Don't begin any exercise that you are not already doing prior to pregnancy.

Myth. Like most myths, this one has some basis in fact. It is meant to protect the newly pregnant woman from injury. Pregnancy does more to a woman's physiology than change her center of gravity. From the earliest days, hormones are adapting the ligaments and muscles to become more flexible and to expand. This makes them a bit more prone to injury.

It's important to start a pregnancy exercise program carefully and seek the advice of your care provider. Pregnancy and labor represent some of the most difficult and rewarding work a woman will ever do. It makes sense to prepare oneself physically. If you haven't been participating in a regular program of exercise, walking is a good place to start. Begin with a five-minute warmup with slow gradual stretching of all muscles. Find a nice path and some walking buddies or some good music and walk at a brisk pace for 30 to 40 minutes every day. Finish with five minutes of a slower pace or stretching, which should help you "cool down." Or, consider joining a prenatal exercise or yoga class and build it into a support group and even future playgroup. So ignore the myth about not starting a program and begin working out when you are planning a pregnancy or even if pregnancy is already advanced.

Very few women should not exercise in pregnancy, but always consult your care provider prior to starting any regimen.

7. Giving birth: It's better to cut than tear.

Myth. This myth refers to the use of episiotomy at the time of birth. The term "tearing" conjures up images that most women would rather not consider. Actually, tears often are small and do not extend into the muscle. When an episiotomy is cut, several layers of tissue and muscle are cut. Tears also tend to heal more comfortably than episiotomies. This may be because the skin has separated down anatomical lines and the tissue has not been crushed, as it is when scissors are used.

To prevent lacerations, it is important to listen to the midwife or doctor carefully and to give small controlled pushes. Occasionally, the mother may be asked to push between contractions so the force of the contraction does not cause her to push with such force.

If the baby shows signs of distress, or if the midwife or doctor believes that a tear into the deep muscle or into the rectum is inevitable, an episiotomy will generally be cut. But research has demonstrated that the highest incidence of rectal sphincter and rectal lacerations occurs when an episiotomy has been cut.

Many variables go into the decision whether or not to cut an episiotomy and how to support the perineum at the time of birth. The best advice is to choose a care provider or a type of care provider who will work with you, listen to you, and minimize the use of routine procedures in their practice.

DALLAS: ABANDONED BABY'S MOM SOUGHT

2005-12-21T06:24:00.000-08:00

NORTHWEST DALLAS, December 20) -- The search continues for the mother of an infant abandoned at a Dallas apartment complex in the 3200 block of Sumpter Drive. Firefighters took the baby to Children's Medical Center on Sunday. Doctors told police that he was only hours old and could not have survived much longer in his condition. Soon, more signs will be put up at fire stations and hospitals reminding people about the state's Baby Moses law. Dallas Fire-Rescue Lt. Joel Lavender explained the law, ""What it says is a child up to 60 days old can be dropped off at a local fire station or hospital without charge or repercussion to the parent." Police say the mother could now face felony charges.

Blonds aren't all that stupid..

2005-12-20T17:37:00.000-08:00

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Louisiana arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral -
Not all Cajun gals are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

R U A Tex'un?

2005-12-20T17:33:00.000-08:00

1. You can properly prounounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, San Antonio, Burnet, Boerne, Mexia, Waco, Amarillo, and Waxahachie.
2. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
3. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
6. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
7. You measure distance in minutes.
8. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used football schedule to plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has had a belt buckle bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
15. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol; a Ford F350 4X4 is.
17. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressin'.
18. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to myultiply.
19. You actually understand this and you are "fixin' to send it to your friends.
20. Finally, you are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this conversation:

"You wanna coke?"

"Yeah."

"What kind?"

"Dr. Pepper!"

Last Week to Mail Packages

2005-12-20T06:32:00.000-08:00

Today is the busiest mailing day of the year, according to our friends at the postal service. Here are some tips to help us ensure that our cards and packages make it to their destinations on time, and in good shape.

1.Know your deadlines: If you wait until the last minute, there are express options that are offered by the major delivery companies. Fedex and UPS have set a cutoff date of the 22nd for gifts to arrive on the 23rd, and the USPS offers express mail as late as the December 23 for arrival on the 24th. Of course these services come at a premium. If you are buying online, cutoff dates can differ from store to store.

2.Pack correctly: When sending gifts in the mail, the last thing you want to happen is for them to get lost or broken. Making sure your gifts are packed the right way will help prevent this from happening. The USPS, Fedex and UPS all recommend that new boxes are used when shipping. If you need to use an old box, make sure that it is durable and that any old labels are removed from the box. "If you don't remove old labels from your boxes, who knows where it will end up?" says Fedex spokeswoman Lourdes Pena. Having the right cushion and wrapping is also a must. Bubble wrap and Styrofoam peanuts are recommended by all the shippers. If you are packing multiple items in a box, leave two inches of padding in between each item. Monica Suraci, a spokesperson for the U.S. Postal Service, stresses the importance of having a return address on the box and inside the package. "Put your return address on an index card inside the box, so items inside can be returned if the box is damaged," she says. According to Diana Hatcher, a spokesperson for UPS, if you are sending items that are assembled, take them apart for shipping. "Lots of people just wrap picture frames and send it. You want to take the frame apart and wrap each part individually," she adds.Using the right tape is also a must. Any old tape around the house won't cut it. "Duct tape will peel off of a box very easily," says Hatcher. It's best to use packaging tape that is made for shipping and cardboard. For more tips on packing go to www.ups.com.

3.Insurance for gifts: If there is always the thought in the back of your head of that your package will get damaged or lost, insure the value of gifts when you send them. The U.S. postal service offers different rates for insurance up to $500. Rates are available at the post office and on www.usps.com. Fedex will guarantee $100 on the item included in the shipping fee. They charge an additional $2.50 for every $100 of protection that you purchase. Fedex deals with high-end items on a case by case basis. The company recommends customers call 1-800-GO-FEDEX. UPS will also include $100 of protection with its shipping fees. It will cost you an additional $1.20 to insure your package up to $300 after that. It's an additional 40 cents for every $100 after that. UPS will insure a package for up to $70,000.

4.Sending special items: If you are sending an item that you are worried about shipping, it's best to take extra precautions when packing and sending the gift. Gifts that can break easy should be well cushioned and wrapped with twice the amount you would normally use. If you are mailing perishable items, it's best to send them overnight and make sure that someone is there to receive them. All food should be wrapped up and sealed individually. If you are sending high-end items, like a diamond necklace or an expensive gold watch, deception might be your best bet. "The best precaution you can take is to not make it look like a jewelry," says Hatcher. With all special gifts, it's best to take the gift to the post office or a shipping location and have them pack it for you. The most important specialty package that you send this year might be sent by your child.

Holiday Clean Sweep

2005-12-20T06:30:00.000-08:00

With all of the dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, scrubbing you do before company arrives, while company is there, and after they leave; this time of year can feel more like it tis' the season to be cleaning. Jennifer Humes, the Clutter Queen, says there is no reason to spend hours cleaning for the holiday. She has a list of quick and easy speed cleaning techniques that will have your home looking great in no time. Below are a few of the Clutter Queen's simple solutions:

1.Tote & Go - Keep a cleaning bucket, like the Casabella Bucket & Caddy, full of your favorite & most used cleaning supplies. Aroma therapeutic household cleaners such as Caldrea and Mrs. Meyers not only smell good but are stylish, so you won't mind using them in front of company.

2.Wipe it up - No need to tote around a roll of paper towels, a sponge and cleaner. There are a myriad of cleaning wipes in small packets on the market. Keep a packet near by or even in your pocket. When you see a mess or small spill just wipe it up, toss it in the trash and get back to the celebration. (Side tip: Keep a couple of supplies, like the wipes, in each bathroom area. Assign a family member to clean each bathroom.)

3.Make Marks Disappear - Have crayon marks on the walls, scuffs on the floor? Don't waste hours scrubbing; there are now great products like Mr. Clean Magic Eraser that literally erase wall scuffs in a matter of minutes.

4.Dusting Dilemma - There's no need to carry around dusting spray or cleaner and a rag. There are products like the Casabella Mini Duster and Swiffer Dusters that will cut down on both the amount of time and mess you can make clearing all the dust away.

5.Carpet Care - A party is not the time to lug out that big old vacuum. Instead, the Clutter Queen suggests keeping a small sweeper tucked away that you can quickly access to give the carpet a quick once over before guests arrive and clean up any small accidents.

6.Help on the Spot - If there is red wine or even hot cocoa, your carpets could be at risk. Keep a portable spot cleaner like the Bissell SpotBot on hand. You simply add the solution, turn it on and when you return in six minutes the stain is gone. For spills on bare floors there are easy to use wet vacs like the Hoover Floor Mate.

7.Clear the Counters - Overwhelmed by your cluttered counters and surfaces around the home? Grab some stylish, portable totes like the jute bins from Lillian Vernon. Load them up and stash it away. You can sort though it after the company is gone.

Ashlee Simpson Collapses

2005-12-19T06:10:00.000-08:00

ET has learned that ASHLEE SIMPSON collapsed Thursday after a performance in Tokyo in support of her new album, I Am Me. According to the 21-year-old singer's publicist, she was taken to a hospital and early reports indicate her illness is due to exhaustion. At this time, Simpson is still hospitalized and has cancelled her upcoming appearance at the Radio Music Awards being held Monday night in Las Vegas.

Romantic Gifts for the Holiday

2005-12-17T16:25:00.000-08:00

The holiday season can be a passionate time of year. Sure, there are plenty of social obligations to meet and familial duties to perform, but who says you can’t slip out of the office party early, or skip the holiday brunch entirely? I'll offer a few ideas for your cozy interpersonal gift exchange, ‘cause baby, it’s cold outside.

The FTD Sweeter Than Sugar Flower Bouquet
At FTD.COM
Satisfaction Guaranteed!
$69.99
Mix it Up
We all know that a dozen red roses are the go-to bouquet for silently speaking the language of love, but there's something more rare, more undeniably eloquent about expressing yourself with this exotic concoction. Presented in a beautiful glass vase, the gathering of pink Stargazer lilies, asters, verdant greenery and yes — red roses, will show her you love her more than words can say.

10k White Gold Initial Diamond Accent Pendant
At Kohl's
$39.99
Letter Perfect
The evolution of our romantic calligraphy most likely proceeded from carving initials into trees and scrawling names on notebooks to the more civilized expression of engraved silver and monogrammed towels. Take a further step up the ladder and make a sparkling initial impression. This pendant teaches a sublime alphabet lesson in 10-karat white gold with diamond accents. Whether you choose to gift her with your initial or her own, she’ll be proud to sport the letter of love.

Josie Natori Sleepwear Key chemise
At Figleaves
$160.00
Got Silk?
I’ve always favored the chemise for sleeping — it’s the perfect fusion of pretty and practical. Here's a beautiful example in fine silk and flirty lace appliqué. It falls to mid-thigh and flows across the body like liquid flattery. Slender adjustable spaghetti straps, flattering empire waist, and an alluring low back add up to a look that’s part Victorian underpinning, part modern siren. Actually, it’s way too pretty to hide under the sheets.

14K Two Tone Gold Charm Bracelet
At Diamond.com
FREE SHIPPING & 30-Day Returns
$399.00 Sale $119.00
Turn On The Charm
Charm bracelets are as popular now as in their 1940's heyday, and love never quite went out of style, so why not bring the two together in one shining combo? This one mixes precious metals with superbly symbolic style: a 14k white-gold double rolo link chain suspends a yellow-gold heart inscribed with the simple yet profound: "love". Two more gold charms sport those all-important three little words and really bring the message home.

Men and Women

2005-12-17T16:23:00.000-08:00

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his
father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three
kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are
like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still
nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

"Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man
goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is
like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties,
it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

What You Need to Know When Buying a Diamond

2005-12-16T11:47:00.000-08:00

Whether it's an engagement, an anniversary or a gift for the holidays, buying a diamond doesn't have to be as expensive or as intimidating as it seems. Sally Morrison, diamond expert and director of the Diamond Information Center, will be here to give us some diamond-buying tips. Did you know that:

...more than 31% of diamond sales occur during the holidays?
64% percent of women expect to receive diamonds as an anniversary present, but only 6% actually receive them?
...retail sales of diamond jewelry increased by 8.2% in the U.S. in 2004?
December is a great time to do your diamond shopping. There is such a wealth of styles and designs to choose from, not to mention the perfect time to pop the question with December being the most popular month to get engaged.
Diamond-buying tips:

The Diamond Right Hand Ring is the still the most popular trend in diamond jewelry as it is all about a woman expressing her true eternal spirit and individual style.
Whether celebrating any anniversary or trying to find the perfect gift for the holidays, Three-Stone Diamond Jewelry is the ideal way to tell that special someone, "I Forever Do" this holiday season.
Diamond Classics like a pair of diamond stud earrings, solitaire necklace or line bracelet is the perfect gift this holiday season and a welcome addition to any woman's jewelry wardrobe.
How to choose a diamond: remember the four Cs-cut, color, clarity and carat
More information about diamonds can be found at www.adiamondisforever.com.

Letter from God!

2005-12-14T15:27:00.000-08:00

Ruth went to her mail box and there was only one letter.
She picked it up and looked at it before opening, but then she looked at the envelope again. There was no stamp, no postmark, only her name and address.
She read the letter:
Dear Ruth:
I`m going to be in your neighborhood Saturday afternoon and I'd like to stop by for a visit.

Love Always,
Jesus

Her hands were shaking as she placed the letter on the table. "Why would the Lord want to visit me? I'm nobody special. I don't have anything to offer." With that thought, Ruth remembered her empty kitchen cabinets."Oh my goodness, I really don't have anything to offer. I'll have to run down to the store and buy something for dinner." She reached for her purse and counted out its contents. Five dollars and forty cents.

Well, I can get some bread and cold cuts, at least." She threw on her coat and hurried out the door. A loaf of French bread, a half-pound of sliced turkey, and a carton of milk...leaving Ruth with grand total twelve cents to last her until
Monday. Nonetheless, she felt good as she headed home, her meager offerings tucked under her arm.

"Hey lady, can you help us,lady?"
Ruth had been so absorbed in her dinner plans, she hadn't even noticed two figures huddled in the alleyway. A man and a woman, both of them dressed in little more than rags. "Look lady, I ain't got a job, ya know, and my wife and I have been living out here on the street, and, well, now it's getting cold and we're getting kinda hungry and, well, if you could help us. Lady, we'd really appreciate it.

Ruth looked at them both. They were dirty, they smelled bad and frankly, she was certain that they could get some kind of work if they really wanted to.
"Sir, I'd like to help you, but I'm a poor woman myself. All I have is a few cold cuts and some bread, and I'm having an important guest for dinner tonight and I was planning on serving that to Him."

"Yeah, well, okay lady, I understand. Thanks anyway." The man put his arm around the woman's shoulders, turned and headed back into the alley. As she watched them leave, Ruth felt a familiar twinge in her heart.

"Sir, wait!"
The couple stopped and turned as she ran down the alley after them. "Look, why don't you take this food. I'll figure out something else to serve my guest." She handed the man her grocery bag. "Thank you lady. Thank you very much!"

"Yes, thank you!" It was the man's wife, and Ruth could see now that she
was shivering.
"You know, I've got another coat at home.
Here, why don't you take this one."
Ruth unbuttoned her jacket and slipped it over the woman's shoulders.
Then smiling, she turned and walked back to the street...without her coat and with nothing to serve her guest.
"Thank you lady!
Thank you very much!"

Ruth was chilled by the time she reached her front door, and worried too. The Lord was coming to visit and she didn't have anything to offer Him. She fumbled through her purse for the door key. But as she did, she noticed another envelope in her mailbox.

"That's odd. The mailman doesn't usually come twice in one day."

Dear Ruth:
It was so good to see you again. Thank you for the lovely meal. And thank you, too, for the beautiful coat.

Love Always,
Jesus

The air was still cold, but even without her coat, Ruth no longer noticed.

Quick Quiz

2005-12-14T15:24:00.000-08:00

1 Which one of the following describes the perfect date?

a) Candlelight dinner! (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
c) Painting in the park (5 pts.)
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2 What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts.)
e) Pop (3 pts.)

3 What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4 Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could
choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt.)

5 What do you do with your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6 Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)

7 What do you prefer to eat right now?

a) Snow (3 pts.)
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
e) Salad (5 pts.)

8 What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween (1 pt.)
b) Christmas (3 pts.)
c) New Year (2 pts.)
d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9 If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts)
b) Spain (5 pts.)
c) Las Vegas (1 pt.)
d) Hawaii (4 pts.)
e) Hollywood (3 pts.)

10 With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting
for! Put your character in the subject line and
forward to your friends and back to the person that sent this to you.
Very interesting to see "who" your friends are!

STRONG(10-16 points) You are Garfield: You are very comfortable, easy
going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take
it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are

always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do,
but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try
to remember your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun, you are very cool and
popular you always know what's in and you never are out of style. You

are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else.
You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you
always come home with the family values that you learned. Being
married and having children are important to you, but only after you
have had your share of fun times.

(24-28 points) You are Elmo: You have lots of friends and you are also
popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need.
You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things.
Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer, if not you will
have many conflicts with life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best
friend that anyone could ever have and never want to lose. You never
cause harm to anyone and they would never understand your feelings.
Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away
from traitors and jealous people, and then you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown: You are tender, you fall in love
and when you do, you fall hard, you tend to fall quickly, but you are
also very serious about all relationships. You are a
family person. You call your mom every Sunday. You have many friends
and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays (not intentionally). Don't
let your passion get in the way of reality. You are definitely an
achiever.

(44-50 points) You are Dexter: You are smart and definitely a
thinker...Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant
mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles.
Maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it
comes.

Memo from Santa

2005-12-14T15:23:00.000-08:00

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve Georgia, Florida, West Virginia, Virginia, North and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Ohio, Louisiana or Alabama
on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As
part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that
your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who
happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family
is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all
the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can
handy

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..."
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti,
on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as"Miracle on 34th
Street" And It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa

The Pickle and The Cucumber

2005-12-14T08:48:00.000-08:00

A pickle and a cucumber are arguing about who has the worst life.

The cucumber says…

“ I have the worst life because when I get big and hard people cut me up put me in salads and eat me.”

The pickle interrupts….

“ No, No, No, I have a much harder life. When I get big en hard people stick me in a jar of water then they slice me up or just bite right into me.”

While this is going on a dick walks by

The dick over hears the discussion and says…

“Please, you too have it so easy whenever I get big and hard people shove me in a rubber bag and make me do push-ups until I throw up!”

3 big reasons couples fight about money

2005-12-14T06:01:00.000-08:00

Arguments about money are often really struggles for power. Managing these issues can smooth out the bickering.

Like many married women, Anna, Beth, Stephanie and I have all fought with our spouses about money.Big loud fights, small seething fights, ongoing tense "discussions" . . . pick your favorite form of financial conflict, and we've been there, done that. Recently.You'd think that, with more than a year of experience in the Women in Red, we'd be so financially enlightened that silly money squabbles would be a thing of the past.Nope. But the good news is, we've learned that it's possible to find true and lasting financial harmony with your mate the same way you achieve financial success in any other area of your life:

1.It takes time.
2.You must be patient.
3.Throwing things is bad.

You have to negotiate the power dynamic.Did someone just say power? Yes.When couples come into conflict over money, underneath the bickering over the Visa bill is a swarm of issues that are ultimately about power and control. In order to get in synch financially, you can't deal with money alone: Learning to navigate your own special, sometimes uncomfortable power dynamic is key.

To read more about this subjuct Click Here

Kitchen Gadgets as Gifts

2005-12-14T05:48:00.000-08:00

Holidays are upon us and that means we will be spending more time in the kitchen. That time doesn't have to be boring if you are armed with some of these cool gadgets Andrea Ridout of Ask Andrea has found. Lots of these also make great gift ideas.

StirChef: a cordless, hands-free, saucepan stirrer. Attach it to most saucepans and it stirs from the bottom. Keeps even ultra-thick mixtures moving, so they won't burn while you're busy. Price: $10 (SmartBargains.com sales price down from $39.99).Website: SmartBargains.com

Chocolate Fountain: Fountain first melts chocolate then cycles it continuously through the structure for a waterfall effect. The heated reservoir holds 5 lbs. of chocolate. Dishwasher safe parts. By: Rival, price: $60. Website: Kohls.com

Egg & Muffin Toaster: No need to hit the drive-thru, now you can make your own breakfast sandwiches in minutes. The Egg & Muffin Toaster can be used as a toaster or separately to steam cook a poached egg or together to create the ultimate breakfast sandwich. Simply add the desired sandwich ingredients and push the start button. In only four minutes, an Egg & Muffin sandwich is ready to enjoy. Price: $50. Website: EggAndMuffinToaster.com

Soda-Club: No need to buy soda at the store anymore. Now you can make it at home in less time than it take to brew a cup of coffee. Soda-Club brews a liter of soda in about 30 seconds and includes a choice of 25 flavors, from classic Cola to Fizzy Blue; diet sodas can be sweetened with Splenda. It's also great for brewing teas, juices and energy drinks. Price: $129. Website: SodaClub.com

Magic Bullet Personal Blender: The Magic Bullet is a new style of blender. Capable of preparing hundreds of recipes in ten seconds or less. Great for busy families, moms on the go, bachelors with limited kitchen expertise and new mothers that want to prepare healthy baby food with no preservatives. The secret to its time-saving efficiency is the specially designed blade and unique bullet-shaped design that automatically circulates food back into the cyclonic cutting zone. By: Homeland Housewares. Price: $60. Website: BuyTheBullet.com

TriniTEA: Say goodbye to kettles, teapots and oversteeped cups. The TriniTEA does it all - boils water, steeps leaves, and keeps tea warm so you can enjoy it all day long. A variable timer lets you control the length of an infusion, ensuring a perfect cup each time. Price: $75. Website: Adagio.com

Zack & Dani's Gourmet Roaster Starter Kit: By: Zack & Dani's. Price: $149. Website: CoffeeRoasting.com

Keurig B50: An all-new at-home single-cup brewing system. Allows consumers to consistently brew a perfect cup of coffee or tea in under a minute. Price: $129. Website: Keurig.com or various retailers

MKS Knife: Unique looking knife, Limited Edition Sports Knife. Has sparkling metallic handle grip that is cool but still delivers the precision of world-class, kitchen cutlery. Made from 440-C stainless steel, they're crafted and balanced in the French and Japanese traditions. By: MKS Designs. Price: $85. Website: MKSDesign.com

Gel Pro Chef's Mats: Designed for use in residential kitchens, these floor mats feature stylish synthetic leather covers, non-slip bottom fabric and anti-microbial additives to prevent mold and mildew. The gel mats place a layer of comfort between you and your hard kitchen flooring allowing home cooks to enjoy the time they spend in the kitchen. By: Let's Gel. Price: $100. Website: LetsGel.com

20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

2005-12-13T15:18:00.000-08:00

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffe Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity..

Old people's games!

2005-12-08T15:14:00.000-08:00

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the Pillows when the old man farts and says, "seven points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie
Score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha.
I'm ahead 14 to 7
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field Goal,I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a
woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a
defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got,
and accidently he poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

Can we say WOW!

2005-12-08T15:12:00.000-08:00

One day, a man went to visit a church..
He got there early, parked his car, and got out.
Another car pulled up and the driver got out and said,"I always park there!
You took my place!" The visitor went inside for Sunday School, found an empty seat and sat down.
A young lady from the church approached him and stated,
"That's my seat! You took my place!"
The visitor was somewhat distressed by this rude welcome, but said nothing.
After Sunday School, the visitor went into the sanctuary and sat down.
Another member walked up to him and said,
"That's where I always sit! You took my place!"
The visitor was even more troubled by this treatment, but still He said nothing.
Later as the congregation was praying for Christ to dwell among them,
the visitor stood up, and his appearance began to change.
Horrible scars became visible on his hands and on his sandaled feet.
Someone from the congregation noticed him and called out, "What happened to you?"
The visitor replied, as his hat became a crown of thorns, and a tear fell from his eye, "I took your place."

Joke

2005-12-08T15:10:00.000-08:00

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it .... and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday ...

Things that you can say ONLY at Thanksgiving

2005-12-06T16:27:00.000-08:00

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

Now this is actually why women should be in charge.

2005-12-06T16:23:00.000-08:00

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,
crashing,banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. ""I had to beat him to death with the chair."

The Leader" by "Anonymous"

2005-12-06T16:21:00.000-08:00

"Patient and steady with all he must bear,

Ready to accept every challenge with care,

Easy in manner, yet solid as steel,

Strong in his faith, refreshingly real,

Isn't afraid to propose what is bold,

Doesn't conform to the usual mold,

Eyes that have foresight, for hindsight wont do,

Never back down when he sees what is true,

Tells it all straight, and means it all too,

Going forward and knowing he's right,

Even when doubted for why he would fight,

Over and over he makes his case clear,

Reaching to touch the ones who won't hear,

Growing in strength, he won't be unnerved,

Ever assuring he'll stand by his word,

Wanting the world to join his firm stand,

Bracing for war, but praying for peace,

Using his power so evil will cease:

So much a leader and worthy of trust,

Here stands a man who will do what he must."

Pretty cool first letter of every line spells out President George W Bush

2005-12-06T10:44:00.000-08:00

Is Kevin Federline in danger of being drummed out of the lifestyle to which he's so easily become accustomed? Rumors are a-bubbling that the work-allergic, nightlife-loving, he-capri-sporting wannabe rapper is in the doghouse with his meal ticket missus, Britney Spears.

It seems on Wednesday, Britney ordered her hubby out of their deluxe Malibu digs after a "blazing row," reports the New York Daily News. Federline was apparently forced to rough it at the tony Beverly Hills Hotel.

According to the Star, the clash was sparked after a pal of K. Fed's with an apparent fondness for herbal refreshment (and we're not referring to chamomile tea) showed up at their mansion.

"... Britney turned around and fired two of her longtime security guards for letting what she called 'the weedman' into the house," a mole tells the mag. "She just seemed crazy with anger."

The Daily News reports that just hours after allegedly giving Federline the heave-ho, the semi-retired pop starlet burned off steam by shaking her groove thing with some girlfriends at L.A. hotspot LAX, where she mingled with the ubiquitous Johnny Knoxville and quaffed Red Bull and Grey Goose.

"She was laughing and carrying on like she didn't have a care in the world," an insider recalls to the Star.

To read more about this story Click Here!!

How to Save on Home Energy Bills

2005-12-06T10:34:00.000-08:00

Andrea Ridout, home improvement expert and host of the nationally syndicated radio show "Ask Andrea", has quick tips to protect your property and potentially save you on heating costs. Last month, the federal government said it predicts home heating bills will increase an average of nearly 50%.

Seal leaks around doors and windows.
Add or replace worn weather-stripping around doors and windows.
Caulk gaps where necessary.
Replace worn door stops at the bottom of doors.
If you have them, install storm doors and windows.
Replace old windows with energy efficient windows.
Seal other leaks - don't stop at the windows...
Use caulking and weather-stripping around entry points for all pipes and ducts that travel through an exterior wall.
Install insulating kits behind electrical plugs that are on a wall with an exterior.
Heating Reminders...
Vacuum the vents and other heating components.
If it has one, replace the furnace filter. Make future replacements as needed or directed by your furnace manufacturer.
Energy-saving tips:
Set thermostat to 68 degrees or lower during day and 55 degrees or lower at night or when leaving home for extended period.
Install a programmable thermostat.
Keep fireplace damper closed unless a fire is burning.
Unplug spare refrigerator in garage.
Do only full loads in clothes washer and dishwasher.
Wash clothes in cold water.
Clean clothes dryer's lint trap after each use.
Set water heater to "normal" or 120 degrees, unless dishwasher requires higher setting.
Wrap hot water tank with jacket insulation.
Purchase Energy Star appliances and electronics.
For more information go to AskAndrea.com.

High-Tech, Low-Budget Gifts

2005-12-05T06:58:00.000-08:00

Brian Cooley, Editor-at-Large of CNET, knows just what the Techno-Geek in your life wants! These are a few on his list of favorite top tech gadgets - all under $100 too.

iHome I5 iPod Clock Radio ($95-$99) - Fall asleep and wake up to music you've loaded into your iPod.
Aiptek 4500 ($99) - Pocket camcorder/camera/MP3 player. Three gadgets in one for a terrific price!
Mobiblu DAH-1500i ($99) - This cute MP3 player is just a 1-inch cube - the size of four sugar cubes - and is compatible with both Windows and Mac operating systems. Just plug and play, and it comes in six colors.
SanDisk Cruzer Titanium ($45-70) - This USB flash drive delivers a trinity of useful utilities in an extremely durable form.
Plantronics Bluetooth Headset ($49)
Motorola Wireless Speaker Phone ($99)
Canon Powershot a520 ($164)
Wi-Fi Network Detector ($65)

Top Holiday events that are a must in Dallas!

2005-12-04T16:18:00.000-08:00

Christmas Celebration
Thursday, 12/8 at Meyerson Symphony Center
The Dallas Symphony Orchestra and friends play holiday favorites.

Holiday at the Arboretum
Sunday, 12/4 at Citysearch Profile with website Dallas Arboretum & Botanical Gardens
Dallas Arboretum celebrates the holidays with a Christmas tree maze and 300 nativity scenes.

A Christmas Carol
Sunday, 12/4 at Dallas Theater Center
No Christmas--past, present or future--would be complete without Dickens' touching morality tale.

Pop the Question

2005-12-04T16:15:00.000-08:00

Marriage on your mind? If so, here are a plethora of proposal ideas you can customize to surprise your intended.

Some are pretty good!! Click here to see them!