TUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

This lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her
was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the
driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I
grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce
the swelling', and I had to smile.

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sig n that said, "William's Big
Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just
lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Reasons

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to! assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to! use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!!!!!!

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby............

Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "Normal," is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct...

Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
Somebody said being a mother is boring......

Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good."

Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices.....

Somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.


Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother....

Somebody never helped a fourth grader with her math.

Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first.....

Somebody doesn't have five children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books........

Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery.......

Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.

or on a plane headed for military "boot camp."

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied

behind her back.......

Somebody never organized four giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married......

Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home....

Somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her........

Somebody isn't a mother.

'ARKANSAS CUT'

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.


2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.


3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.


4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.


5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.


6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.


7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.


8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.


9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.


10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.


11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.


12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.


13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.


14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.


15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.


16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.


17. You have a rag for a gas cap.


18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.


19. You wonder how service stations! keep their rest-room's so clean.


20. You can spit without opening your mouth.


21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.


22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.


23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.


24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.


25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.


26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.


27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.


28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.


29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.


30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Daddy's Poem

Her hair was up in a pony tail,
her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
and she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,
that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,
for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
she tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school
eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,
for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
anxious in their seats.

One by one the teacher called
a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
for a man who wasn't there.

"Where's her daddy at?"
she heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one,"
another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
too busy to waste his day."

The words did not offend her,
as she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,
slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
came words incredibly unique.

"My Daddy couldn't be here,
because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories
he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I'm not standing here alone.

"Cause my daddy's always with me,
even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
he'll forever be in my heart".

With that, her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,
staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
but its message clear and loud.

"I love my daddy very much,
he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
but heaven's just too far.

You see he was a policeman
and died just this past year
When airplanes hit the towers
and taught Americans to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes,
and saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,
she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,
who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
they saw him at her side.

"I know you're with me Daddy,"
to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,
for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
that heaven is never too far.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them,
but then an entire life to forget them.

50 Things Cool about Being a Man

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work ... more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything different?"

19. One mood, ALL the damn time.

20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

22. You can open all your own jars.

23. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

24. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

25. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

26. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be friends.

27. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

28. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

29. Everything on your face stays its original color

30. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

31. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

32. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

33. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, ''He must be mad at me."

34. No maxi-pads.

35. You don't mooch off other's desserts.

36. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

37. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

38. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

39. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

40. You almost never have strap problems in public.

41. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

42. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

43. You don't have to shave below your neck.

44. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

45. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

46. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

47. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

48. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.

49. The world is your urinal.

50. Ten Things Men Know for Sure About Women.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have tits.

Oil Change for Women & Men Which is right?

Oil Change Instructions for Women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
The last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
Maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, and cleaner and a scented tree, write a Check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,
Drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in Process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
Filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
Everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
Trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
Oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
Drag Pan Full of old oil out from underneath car Cleverly dump oil in hole
In back
Yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
To gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
Along
With drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
Dirt
Into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch
Of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
Lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
Oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
Tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling
Trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop
Blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
During steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!