A recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens
when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you
will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten
routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for too long.
When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get
Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot
stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in
front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is
called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not
enough to live on.

Subject: Walmart Greeter

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of
resumes he found four people who w! ere equally qualified. He
decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their
answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came
and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer
asked, "What is the ! fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A
THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that
it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I
know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?"
he asked the second man.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't
know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a
very popular cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man
who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on
the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out
across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than
an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can
think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light,"
he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer
posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous
answers. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is
DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants."
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!!!!

I needed a smile, what about you?..............................

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the Wife passed away. The undertaker told the
Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he

would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?" The man replied,

"Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From the Easter Bunny...

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work & no play can make you a basket case.

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.

Good things come in small sugar coated packages.

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.

To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.



Happy Easter!

Story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Tony, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.

Girls night out...

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
My husband that I would be home by midnight: "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around
3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home Just as I got in the door, the
Cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
Quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(E ven when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
= MIDNITE!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
One!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
Three times, then said, "Oh. Shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
Throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
Tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Men

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one ..

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight..
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.