The 6 Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
"We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! "You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,
"I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe,"
he said to hiswife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a
damned thing."

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business
down here."

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.
" I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and
your mother!"
I know," she replied, now just rest and let the poison work."

SOUTHERNOSITY

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a "hissy fit" and "conniption fit," and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who has trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southerness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads, "I ain't from the South but I got here as fast as I could."

MUST KNOW *677

I knew about the red light on cars, but not the *677. It was about 1:00 p.m. in the afternoon, and Lauren was driving to visit a friend. An UNMARKED police car pulled up behind her and put his lights on. *Lauren's parents have always told them never to pull over for an unmarked car on the side of the road, but rather to wait until they get to a gas station, etc. *
Lauren had actually listened to her parents advice, and promptly called *677 on her cell phone to tell the police dispatcher that she would not pull over right away. She proceeded to tell the dispatcher that there was an unmarked police car with a flashing red light on his rooftop behind her. The dispatcher checked to see if there were police cars where she was and there weren't, and he told her to keep driving, remain calm and that he had back up already on the way.
Ten minutes later 4 cop cars surrounded her and the unmarked car behind her.
One policeman went to her side and the others surrounded the car behind. They pulled the guy from the car and tackled him to the ground. The man was a convicted rapist and wanted for other crimes.
I never knew about the *677 Cell Phone Feature, but especially for a woman alone in a car, you should not pull over for an unmarked car. Apparently police have to respect your right to keep going to a safe & quiet place. You obviously need to make some signals that you acknowledge them (i.e. put on your hazard lights) or call *677 like Lauren did.
Too bad the cell phone companies don't generally give you this little bit of wonderful information.
*Speaking to a service representative at **Bell** Mobility confirmed that *677 was a direct link to OPP Dispatch. So, now it's your turn to let your friends know about *677.

Men are like.....................

1. Men are like .Laxatives They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like . Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like . Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like . Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like.... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like . Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like.... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ..... Popcorn ... . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like . Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are hadicapped.

THE GOOD NAPKINS...ahhhhh...the joys of having girls...

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).....

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was open. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake)...

Now, fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and aunt for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle walked into the dining room first and immediately burst into laughter.

Next, in came my aunt who gasped, then began giggling. Next, in came my father, who roared with laughter. Then in came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top.

I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! (This was back in the day before they used an adhesive to stick to the panties)

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"

Isn't it easier to just tell the truth? And be careful who you ask to set the table for you!

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vaca! tion time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going
to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you
forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do
the same

Joke

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got
caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,"& nbsp;she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out,& nbsp;but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the
ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle
of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob
said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that
I did."
"And did you happen to use my name inste ad of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I
did." "Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different? Now keep that smile for
the rest of the day!!)

VIBE

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife and daughter came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. They entered that area and observed the husband/father sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

True Friendship.............

Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually come close to reality?
When you are sad-- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the
sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue-- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile-- I will know you finally got laid.
When you are scared-- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried-- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse
it could be until you quit whining.
When you are confused-- I will use little words.
When you are sick--Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I
don't want whatever you have.
When you fall-- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath.....I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you
are my friend".
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can
only think of 4.
Remember.... A good friend will help you move.... a REALLY good friend will
help you move a body.....let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.
FRIENDSHIP IS LIKE PEEING YOUR PANTS, EVERYONE CAN SEE IT, BUT ONLY YOU CAN
FEEL THE TRUE WARMTH.

Blonde joke

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a
little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped
your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in
the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde". She pinned the note inside
the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown
bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was
the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one
blonde would do this to another!"