Twas the night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks,
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
instead of "Thanks Santa", what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money; the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
those ass holes from the IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes; if that ain't damn funny,
who the hell ever sent Santa any money?

And the kids these days; they all are the pits,
they want the impossible, those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
assembling dolls.. their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo-yo's, no request for them.
They want computers and robots, they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air, dodging the trees,
falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job, there's just no enjoyment,
I'll sit on my ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year, now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde, we're headed south for the season.


Merry Christmas to all, it's gonna be a helluva night!

Skincare Tips

You might see the lines and wrinkles getting deeper, the brown spots darker, or the skin just slightly more saggy - all resultant from sun and artificial lighting combined over time. But have you ever considered the damage that lies beneath the skin - damage not detectable by the naked eye? The UV Camera can see sun damage, skin infections, dead and dry skin resultant from sterile office lighting, and a variety of skin imperfections and damage that are undetectable by the naked eye. Skincare Expert Diane Rupas offers some great tips on how to repair and reverse skin damage:

Daily (365 days) use of a broad spectrum sunscreen, minimum SPF 15
Incorporate an antioxidant in daily moisturizer
Daily use of a product containing an AHA and/or a BHA to start improving your skin
Try a home peel to jump start the health of your skin
Wear sunglasses and a hat whenever practical
Visit your dermatologist for a yearly skin exam

If you'd like to have your skin evaluated with the UV camera, they will be taking place at the following locations this week:
11/30 - Dillards and Nordstrom - Northpark Center - 12 to 4pm
12/01 - Dillards - The Parks at Arlington: 12 to 4pm
12/01 - Dillards - Hulen Mall: 12 to 4pm
12/02 - Dillards and Nordstrom - Northeast Mall: 12 to 4pm
12/03 - Dillards - The Shops at Willowbend: 12 to 4pm
12/03 - Nordstrom - Dallas Galleria: 12 to 4pm
12/04 - Dillards - Towneast Mall: 12 to 4pm
12/04 - Nordstrom - Stonebriar Center: 12 to 4pm

Quick Fixes for Common Hair Problems

You know you have to get regular trims and start drinking more water. You know you need to eat healthier and stop styling your hair to death. And you know beautiful locks require time and care -- and most important, patience.

But let's face it, you're not all that patient. You need to look stop-traffic stunning now. Well, fear not: We have some fail-proof remedies for your most common hair quandaries. Most of these fixes are only temporary, but they're quick -- perfect for when you need a little instant gratification.

1. Damaged, overprocessed hair. If you have a few hours, splurge on a salon scalp treatment. These blissful treatments immediately work wonders on damaged hair, and are much more than a quick fix. A good treatment will start your hair on the road to recovery in addition to making it look healthier in the moment.

If you don't have the time or money to get to the salon, opt for a deep-conditioning hair masque, which only requires half an hour. You'll see instant change. Shampoo and condition post-masque and your mane will shine with new life.

When styling, use an ionic or tourmaline dryer and a ceramic flat iron or curling iron to prevent style damage. Blow-dry on a warm -- not hot -- setting, and avoid exposing hair to heat once it is fully dry. This is what causes further damage and breakage, which will only make things worse.

2. Limp, stringy hair. The most obvious answers are often the most effective. That is certainly the case with flat hair. Wash with a volumizing shampoo and condition only the ends. This will make an immediate difference; the less product you put in your hair, the less weighted down it will be. Blow it dry with a vent brush or your fingers, lifting at the roots, and focusing the airflow close to your scalp.

Foam rollers also add body once your hair is clean and product-free. If you feel like investing a little more time on your style, curl individual strands in opposing directions with a curling iron -- use a 3/4 inch barrel -- and you'll be able to fake body with the best of them. Seal with a texturizing spray like Bumble and Bumble's thickening spray ($25) and you'll be ready to walk away with a little more bounce.

3. Dry, frizzy hair. The key to helping dry hair is to condition, condition, condition. Hair is usually driest at the ends, so be sure to focus there, along with any visibly dry patches. Even if you don't use a leave-in conditioner, let it sit in your hair for at least five minutes before rinsing. Rinse it out by concentrating the water on the crown of your head rather than the ends. Once out of the shower, pat hair dry with a towel because rubbing it dry will only exacerbate the problem.

Next, focus on styling and products. You can combat even the worst case of the frizzies with the right silicone-based products. We recommend the Kerastase Oleo-Relax line ($24-36), a favorite of stars and their stylists alike.

Bad Color, Split Ends, and Greasy Hair

4. Hair color disasters. Wash hair with Prell shampoo ($4) and hot water. Prell is known for its color-stripping powers and heat will help fade color faster than cold water. This is the first step in damage control. It will not completely remove color by any means, though. Next, wash again with a color-enhancing shampoo, to bring out the shade you would actually like to see on your head. Once you've taken these steps, condition well because damaged-looking hair will just make bad color look worse. Try Phytologie Phytonectar nourishing oil treatment ($24) to protect and nourish hair.

And if all else fails, create a diversion. Wide headbands will create their own focal point, since they cover the most readily visible strands at the hairline. Curls and other texturized styles can also pull the focus away from color.

Finally, if you're feeling brave, you can apply temporary do-it-yourself highlights and even out the color yourself. These wash out easily so even the aesthetically challenged can give it a try. We like Jerome Russell temporary spray-in tints ($5; at Ricky's, 877-447-4259).

5. Split ends. Don't have time for a trim? Hot oil treatments temporarily hold ends together. Shine serums like Phyto's Phytolisse ($24) or Robert Hallowell's Shine Drops Serum ($10.50) can also seal the ends temporarily. Apply before blowing dry, and then be sure to get ends as straight as possible, because splits look much worse when they are allowed to curl, frizz, or wave.

6. Greasy hair. Wash hair with a shampoo that contains zinc (Head and Shoulders or Wella System Professional Regulate work well), and shampoo daily. Contrary to popular belief, shampoo is not damaging --- as long as you avoid harsh shampoos that strip the hair of its natural emollients. Avoid conditioning the roots and scalp, and you should be able to remain shine-free much longer than usual.

If you're really crunched for time, simply rub baby powder into the roots of dry hair, to soak up oils. But be sure to shake the excess powder out, otherwise you'll end up with unsightly white streaks. Finally, for midday touchups, try blotting your scalp with an oil-blotting strip made for the face. We recommend Quick Fix blotting film from Mac ($10.50).

Colts improve to 11-0

The Indianapolis Colts are shoving aside challengers as if they'll never be beaten. Now the Pittsburgh Steelers are out of the way, too.
From their first offensive play Monday night, the unbeaten Colts dominated the Steelers, winning their 11th straight game 26-7. Peyton Manning hit a streaking Marvin Harrison in stride for an 80-yard score, and the Colts never looked back. Now they can look forward to the final month of what is becoming an extraordinary season. FULL STORY

Colts improve to 11-0

The Indianapolis Colts are shoving aside challengers as if they'll never be beaten. Now the Pittsburgh Steelers are out of the way, too.
From their first offensive play Monday night, the unbeaten Colts dominated the Steelers, winning their 11th straight game 26-7. Peyton Manning hit a streaking Marvin Harrison in stride for an 80-yard score, and the Colts never looked back. Now they can look forward to the final month of what is becoming an extraordinary season. FULL STORY

Elton John To Wed

Singer ELTON JOHN will tie the knot with his partner DAVID FURNISH on December 21, the same day that legislation goes into effect legalizing civil partnerships in England. The legislation is designed to give many of the same rights to homosexual couples as married heterosexuals. "It'll be a very small affair and then in the evening there'll be a soiree somewhere, which we have yet to work out," John says in the current issue of the British magazine, Attitude. "But the ceremony itself will be David's parents and my parents and the two of us." John and Furnish have been together for 12 years.

NEW SERVICE TRACKS MISSING PEOPLE

A new web service promises to deliver key personal information to police and rescue agencies in the event of a missing person or medical emergency. It's called criticalinfoproviders.com, where for a small fee, you can register yourself and your family members, providing key identifying information for use in an emergency. Police say the first three hours are the most critical in a missing-persons case, but often it takes many hours (or even days) to collect necessary information about the missing person to help in a search.

EX-COWBOY MICHAEL IRVIN ARRESTED

Former Dallas Cowboys receiver Michael Irvin was charged with misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia after Plano police officers searched his vehicle during a traffic stop.

7 Holiday Foods That Are Actually Good For You

With all the focus on how not to gain weight, and what not to eat over the holidays, the wonderful nutrition in holiday foods often gets overlooked. If you want to celebrate all the healthy reasons to eat this holiday, take a look below to see the cornucopia of nutritional goodies our traditional foods bring to the table.

1. Pumpkin:Pumpkin is a remarkably healthy ingredient, providing 3 1/2 times the recommended daily allowance of vitamin A and a lot of fiber per half-cup serving. Pureed pumpkin lends itself to healthy cooking. It can, like applesauce and prune puree, replace fat in baked goods without giving them a rubbery texture.

2. Roast Turkey: Serve up three ounces of skinless turkey breast and you get a whopping 20 grams of protein with practically no fat. All that and only 100 calories. Plus you fill 25 percent of your daily need for niacin and vitamin B6.

3. Sweet Potatoes: Ounce for ounce, they have as much beta-carotene as carrots. A mere four ounces contain 50 percent of your daily requirement of vitamin C, as much potassium as a banana and a good amount of fiber. All this adds up to one terrific disease-fighting food!

4. Cranberry Relish: There's a substance in cranberries that helps prevent urinary tract infections by interfering with the ability of bacteria to adhere to cell membranes. Cranberries also contain a potentially cancer-preventing compound called ellagic acid. Make a fresh orange-cranberry relish and get added benefit from the vitamin C in oranges.

5. Potatoes: Whether mashed or in latkes, potatoes are good food. They contain loads of vitamin C and potassium, plus fiber, iron, copper and plenty of B vitamins. Boiling potatoes will destroy some of the vitamin C and dissolve some of the rest of it into the cooking water. To help preserve the vitamin C content, use some of the cooking water instead of milk or cream when mashing them.

6. Figgy Pudding: Figs help make the pudding a nutritional gold mine. They are a good source of potassium, calcium, magnesium and niacin, plus they have a natural laxative effect.

7. Eggnog: Choose only the low-fat variety and enjoy a holiday tradition while getting a good amount of protein and some calcium. (Just be sure not to drink too much, since there's still lots of sugar and calories in even the low-fat version.)

Wrestling star died of heart failure, widow says

MINNEAPOLIS -- Eddie Guerrero, the professional wrestler whose body was found in a hotel here, died from heart failure, his widow said Tuesday.

The county medical examiner's office declined to comment on the report, which was published on the World Wrestling Entertainment Web site.

Vickie Guerrero said a medical examiner told her that an autopsy on Eddie Guerrero showed signs of heart disease.

"She (the examiner) said that the blood vessels were very worn and narrow, and that just showed all the abuse from the scheduling of work and his past," the site quoted her as saying.

She said Guerrero's heart disease was due to past drinking and drug abuse combined with an aggressive workout regimen.

The Hennepin County Medical Examiner's Office said it wouldn't publicly release an autopsy report for several weeks. A phone call left at a possible Arizona residence for Vickie Guerrero was not immediately returned while a call to another possible Arizona residence went unanswered. Stamford, Conn.-based WWE declined to provide Vickie Guerrero's phone number.

Eddie Guerrero, 38, was only the second wrestler of Hispanic heritage to be WWE champion. He was a featured star on the UPN show "WWE Smackdown!" and was in Minneapolis on Sunday to film a WWE show.

After Guerrero didn't respond to a wake-up call in his hotel room Sunday morning, his nephew, fellow WWE wrestler Chavo Guerrero, and hotel security staffers forced their way in and found him on the floor.

Boy or girl?

What could be more fun than trying to guess the sex of your baby-to-be? Everyone wants to get in the game.

What could be more fun than trying to guess the sex of your baby-to-be? Everyone wants to get in the game. Don't be surprised if someone you've never met stops you at the grocery store, offering a prediction of your baby's gender. For hundreds of years, expecting moms have relied on time-tested methods of guessing their baby's sex. Even though these old wives' tales are far from foolproof, they are certainly more fun than their more reliable successors, amniocentesis and ultrasound. Enjoy guessing your baby's sex!

It's a boy if:

You didn't experience morning sickness in early pregnancy
Your baby's heart rate is less than 140 beats per minute
You are carrying the extra weight out front
Your belly looks like a basketball
Your areolas have darkened considerably
You are carrying low
You are craving salty or sour foods
You are craving protein -- meats and cheese
Your feet are colder than they were before pregnancy
The hair on your legs has grown faster during pregnancy
Your hands are very dry
Your pillow faces north when you sleep
Dad-to-be is gaining weight, right along with you
Pregnancy has you looking better than ever
Your urine is a bright yellow in color
Your nose is spreading
You hang your wedding ring over your belly, it moves in circles
You are having headaches
You add your age at the time of conception and the number for the month you conceived the number is even

It's a girl if:

You had morning sickness early in pregnancy
Your baby's heart rate is at least 140 beats per minute
You are carrying the weight in your hips and rear
Your left breast is larger than your right breast
Your hair gets red highlights
You are carrying high
Your belly looks like a watermelon
You are craving sweets
You are craving fruit
You crave orange juice
You don't look quite as good as normal during pregnancy
You are moodier than usual during pregnancy
Your face breaks out more than usual
You refuse to eat the heel of a loaf of bread
Your breasts have really blossomed!
Your pillow faces south when you sleep
Your urine is a dull yellow in color
If you hang your wedding ring over your belly, it moves from side to side
If you add your age at the time of conception and the number for the month you conceived the number is odd

Top 10 Things :)

My idea of the Top 10 Things a Marine Mom Needs to Know


#10 - How to get pinholes out of her jackets and blouses from all the Marine and Military Support pins she wears. (Use Steam)


#9 - Your son's company Commanding Officer's phone number (your son or daughter will love this one!!).


#8 - How to grab your cellphone and have it open in less than 2 seconds every time it rings.


#7 - What the phrase "Nasty Civilian" actually means.


#6 - Where to buy 'Marine Mom' paraphenalia, LOTS of it (bumper stickers, magnets, coffe cups, the ever present 'pins' etc...).


#5 - On the serious side ... Marine Moms have to memorize the OpSec Rules!!


#4 - You find out that you spend more money on your Marine than you did when he/she was home!!


#3 - That when your son stays on base during liberty, it means he spent $400 on lap dances the last time he was in town.


#2 - That all airlines have different rules about who can go to the plane to see their son/daughter off under orders.


And the #1 thing is: What 'Semper Fidelis' means, partly it is that now every young Marine you meet feels like family to you.

Come Join me!

Meet me at FriendCircles

Some toys the kidos would love for Christmas.

My Photo Booth
by Radica$45.00Strike a pose then share funny photos with friends using... More your own personal photo booth. My Photo Booth is the perfect guest to invite to your next slumber party or get-together. Just set the timer,...

Preschool Art Projector from Ready Set Learn!
by Discovery Channel$24.95 This kid-friendly projector makes it easy to trace and... More color 70 fun images - including the ABCs. artprojector trace color draw artist chalk chalkboard .

Uncle Milton Fish in Space Aquarium (452126)
by Uncle Milton$14.99 Key Features: Ages 6-8,Fish not included,Fun space age... More design,Batteries included,Owner's instructions,2 button cell batteries...

Guys this is for you!!

Ok gentlemen its Nov. not yet Christmas and your women is feeling a little over whelmed from the holidays. Suprise her, here is a site you can send her some sweet flowers to let her know you love her and you are thinking about her and you even appricate her. They are only 20.00 bucks. Come on guys!!

Ants eat away woman's eye in hospital

KOLKATA, India (Reuters) - A woman receiving treatment for diabetes at a state-run hospital in eastern India lost one of her eyes after ants nibbled away at it, officials said on Tuesday.

The patient recovering from a post-surgery infection shrieked for help as the ants attacked her on Sunday night, but nurses told her it was normal to feel pain from the infection.

On Monday, the patient's family saw a gaping hole with swarming ants in it when they lifted the bandage on her left eye.

Authorities of the Sambhunath Hospital in Kolkata said they were probing the incident.

"It's not uncommon for ants to attack diabetic patients. We have set up a committee to investigate the unfortunate incident," hospital superintendent A. Adhikary said.

Scampering rats and stray cats and dogs sharing bed space with patients are not uncommon sights at India's overcrowded state-run hospitals that are used by millions of poor and middle-class people.

Mom Makes Teen Stand on Street With Sign

EDMOND, Okla. - Tasha Henderson got tired of her 14-year-old daughter's poor grades, her chronic lateness to class and her talking back to her teachers, so she decided to teach the girl a lesson.



She made Coretha stand at a busy Oklahoma City intersection Nov. 4 with a cardboard sign that read: "I don't do my homework and I act up in school, so my parents are preparing me for my future. Will work for food."

"This may not work. I'm not a professional," said Henderson, a 34-year-old mother of three. "But I felt I owed it to my child to at least try."

In fact, Henderson has seen a turnaround in her daughter's behavior in the past week and a half. But the punishment prompted letters and calls to talk radio from people either praising the woman or blasting her for publicly humiliating her daughter.

"The parents of that girl need more education than she does if they can't see that the worst scenario in this case is to kill their daughter psychologically," Suzanne Ball said in a letter to The Oklahoman.

Marvin Lyle, 52, said in an interview: "I don't see anything wrong with it. I see the other extreme where parents don't care what the kids do, and at least she wants to help her kid."

Coretha has been getting C's and D's as a freshman at Edmond Memorial High in this well-to-do Oklahoma City suburb. Edmond Memorial is considered one of the top high schools in the state in academics.

While Henderson stood next to her daughter at the intersection, a passing motorist called police with a report of psychological abuse, and an Oklahoma City police officer took a report. Mother and daughter were asked to leave after about an hour, and no citation was issued. But the report was forwarded to the state Department of Human Services.

"There wasn't any criminal act involved that the officer could see that would require any criminal investigation," Master Sgt. Charles Phillips said. "DHS may follow up."

DHS spokesman Doug Doe would not comment on whether an investigation was opened, but suggested such a case would probably not be a high priority.

Tasha Henderson said her daughter's attendance has been perfect and her behavior has been better since the incident.

Coretha, a soft-spoken girl, acknowledged the punishment was humiliating but said it got her attention. "I won't talk back," she said quietly, hanging her head.

She already has been forced by her parents to give up basketball and track because of slipping grades, and said she hopes to improve in school so she can play next year.

Donald Wertlieb, a professor of child development at the Eliot-Pearson Department of Child Development at Tufts University, warned that such punishment could do extreme emotional damage. He said rewarding positive behavior is more effective.

"The trick is to catch them being good," he said. "It sounds like this mother has not had a chance to catch her child being good or is so upset over seeing her be bad, that's where the focus is."

Guns & Hoses Boxing Tournament

Would you pay $10 to see Police Officers and Fire Fighters knocking the snot out of each other? Or just to go see the HOT Police Officers & Fire Fighters without shirts on girls!!!! Here's your chance with the 4th Annual Guns & Hoses Boxing Tournament, Saturday at Resistol Arena in Mesquite. It is the mission of the Guns & Hoses Foundation to raise funds to benefit the youth of our community, to provide monetary support to families of fallen fire and police officers and to donate designated funds to named charities of the fire and police boxing participants. General Admission tickets are only $10. To purchase tickets go to www.gunsandhosesboxing.org

The Dallas Stars Top 93 Bone Songs Of All Time

The Stars put them in order and we counted them down in order.
The songs that make them skate harder while they ROCK harder!

1 Shoot To Thrill AC/DC
2 Panama Van Halen
3 Dallas Stars Pantera
4 Welcome To The Jungle Guns 'N Roses
5 Cum On Feel The Noize Quiet Riot
6 Rock And Roll All Night Kiss
7 Nothing Else Matters Metallica
8 Boom Boom, Out Go The Lights Pat Travers
9 Crazy Train Ozzy Osbourne
10 Rock And Roll Led Zeppelin
11 Rock And Roll Party In The Street Axe
12 You Shook Me All Night Long AC/DC
13 Stranglehold Ted Nugent
14 Girls, Girls, Girls Motley Crue
15 Heavy Metal Sammy Hagar
16 You Really Got Me Van Halen
17 Shooting Star Bad Company
18 We're Not Gonna Take It Twisted Sister
19 Walk This Way Aerosmith
20 Raise A Little Hell Trooper
21 Fire Jimi Hendrix
22 Thunderstruck AC/DC
23 Black Dog Led Zeppelin
24 You've Got Another Thing Coming Judas Priest
25 Everybody Wants Some Van Halen
26 Round And Round Ratt
27 Back In The Saddle Aerosmith
28 Cold As Ice Foreigner
29 Flying High Again Ozzy Osbourne
30 Kickstart My Heart Motley Crue
31 I Like To Rock April Wine
32 Man In The Box Alice In Chains
33 And The Cradle Will Rock Van Halen
34 Unskinny Bop Poison
35 The Boys Are Back In Town Thin Lizzy
36 Back In Black AC/DC
37 Hair Of The Dog Nazareth
38 Enter Sandman Metallica
39 Ramble On Led Zeppelin
40 Sweet Child Of Mine Guns 'N Roses
41 Smells Like Teen Spirit Nirvana
42 Rock You Like A Hurricane Scorpions
43 For Those About To Rock AC/DC
44 Man On The Silver Mountain Rainbow
45 Balls To The Wall Accept
46 Drop Dead Legs Van Halen
47 Fight The Good Fight Triumph
48 Interstate Love Song Stone Temple Pilots
49 Lick It Up Kiss
50 Paradise City Guns 'N Roses
51 I Can't Drive 55 Sammy Hagar
52 Beautiful Girls Van Halen
53 Whole Lotta Love Led Zeppelin
54 Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap AC/DC
55 Smokin' Boston
56 Everything Zen Bush
57 Iron Man Black Sabbath
58 Another One Bites The Dust Queen
59 Looks That Kill Motley Crue
60 One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer George Thorogood
61 The Memory Remains Metallica
62 Cat Scratch Fever Ted Nugent
63 Ridin' The Storm Out REO Speedwagon
64 Live And Let Die Guns 'N Roses
65 Baba 'O Riley The Who
66 Hells Bells AC/DC
67 Bark At The Moon Ozzy Osbourne
68 Mean Street Van Halen
69 Stone Cold Rainbow
70 No One Like You Scorpions
71 Dancing Days Led Zeppelin
72 Black Betty Ram Jam
73 Sweet Emotion Aerosmith
74 Pour Some Sugar On Me Def Leppard
75 Paranoid Black Sabbath
76 Party Boston
77 Mother Danzig
78 Dancing In The Street Van Halen
79 Too Hot TO Handle UFO
80 Highway To Hell AC/DC
81 2112 / Overture / Temple Of Syrinx Rush
82 My Hero Foo Fighters
83 D'Yer Mak'Er Led Zeppelin
84 The Stroke Billy Squier
85 Livin' After Midnight Judas Priest
86 Free Bird Lynyrd Skynyrd
87 Spoonman Soundgarden
88 Cherry Pie Warrant
89 Purple Haze Jimi Hendrix
90 For Whom The Bell Tolls Metallica
91 Ice Cream Man Van Halen
92 Rocky Mountain Wat Joe Walsh
93 T.N.T. AC/DC

Lennon Killer: 'Nothing Could Have Stopped Me'

Mark David Chapman gunned Lennon down in New York City in 1980.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
John Lennon's assassin Mark David Chapman insists "nothing could have stopped" him from murdering the former Beatle.

Chapman gunned Lennon down outside the Dakota Building in New York City in 1980, and claims his mission to kill the singer was triggered when he looked at The Beatles' 'Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band' album cover in his Hawaiian home.

And, as his animosity towards Lennon's success grew, Chapman knew he would not be satisfied until Lennon was dead.

He says, "There was a successful man who kind of had the world on a chain, so to speak, and there I was, not even a link of that chain, just a person who had no personality.

"Something in me just broke. I was under total compulsion. It was like a train, a runaway train, there was no stopping it."

When Chapman finally had the opportunity to assassinate Lennon; he insists a voice in his head urged him to commit the crime which left the world in mourning.

He says, "I heard a voice in my head saying, 'Do it, do it.' And as he passed me I pulled out the gun, aimed at his back and pulled the trigger five times in succession."

Chapman, now 50, has been refused parole three times at the request of Lennon's widow Yoko Ono - but he is eligible for release again next year.

How to Get Ahead in Your Job

Welcome back to Tory Johnson, CEO of Women for Hire and author of Women for Hire: The Ultimate Guide to Getting a Job. Here are some valuable pointers from the book:

Seek challenging assignments. By stepping up to the plate and accepting challenges, you position yourself as a leader, someone the department or company can count on. Most people settle on doing whatever their job requires, no more than that. So you can really differentiate yourself by your willingness to tackle the toughest projects.
Listen to colleagues. The most successful people don't just talk, they listen too. They listen to co-workers, clients, colleagues in order to understand their challenges and needs. When you listen to those needs, you're able to respond to them by offering solutions. Without listening, it's impossible to be a problem-solver or to grow your business.
Give praise, accept praise. Compliment colleagues on their successes, thank your boss for including you on important meetings. On the flip side, when praise is offered to you - accept it graciously.
Maintain a "ME" file. Any time you receive an email thanking you for saving the day or just acknowledging something great you did, print it out. Save it in this file - you'll refer back to this when you prepare for reviews, raises and promotions. This will be the anecdote and accolades that support your advancement.

Gifts for Him

A lot of guys aren’t much help when you ask them what they want for the holidays and that can make shopping for their gift a little nerve-wracking at this busy time of the year. Peyton Mays helps remove some of the guesswork with a few suggestions that would make any man happy.

Click Here to see what guys want!

Some Dirty Jokes for you! ;-)

Did you hear that they came out with a new color of paint?

It's called Blonde, not too bright, spreads real easy.
___________________________________________________________________________________

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"

Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face.

"I'm your son's second grade teacher."
____________________________________________________________________________________

Two women and a man are in the back of a bus.

The first woman whispers, "The man next to me is masturbating!"

Her friend says, "Just ignore him."

To which she replies, "I can't! He's using my hand!"

Quote of the Day

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

Pa. Teen Missing After Parents Slain

LITITZ, Pa. - Police were searching for an 18-year-old man and his girlfriend after they found the girl's parents shot to death in their home.

David G. Ludwig killed 14-year-old Kara Beth Borden's parents after they and their daughter argued about her curfew, police said. The girl was last seen Sunday morning at the family's home in Warwick Township, about 60 miles west of Philadelphia.

"We don't know whether she has been abducted or is willingly a part of this," said Police Chief William Seace. Until they can determine otherwise, police are operating on the assumption that she has been kidnapped.

Borden's parents, Michael and Cathryn, both 50, were found shot to death shortly after 8 a.m., after the couple's 9-year-old son ran to the home of neighbors for help. An older daughter also escaped.

Police late Sunday issued an arrest warrant for Ludwig on two counts of criminal homicide, one count of recklessly endangering and one count of kidnapping. He was last seen driving his parents' red Volkswagen Jetta with Pennsylvania license plates EHH-0994. The search continued Monday morning.

Seace said authorities do not know which direction Ludwig was heading and the search area for him and Kara was "anywhere in the state of Pennsylvania or along the eastern seaboard."

"We think they're boyfriend and girlfriend," said Seace. "The young girl was out during the night, came home, and her parents confronted her. From what we understand, he came to the house."

The murders were the second violent incident in a week in normally quiet Lititz, a Lancaster County village known for its quaint shops, local artists and such attractions as the Sturgis Pretzel House, which bills itself as America's first pretzel bakery.

On Tuesday, police shot and killed a man hours after authorities said the suspect shot one of three officers who had gone to his home with a traffic warrant.

The Borden family had lived in their home for several years, said neighbor Tod Sherman, 47. Mike Borden worked for a printing company, and the children were home-schooled, he said.

Sherman said the family knew the 18-year-old suspect through a home-schooling network. He said he had occasionally seen the teen at the Bordens' home.

Stephanie Mannon, 16, said Ludwig and Kara Borden had been seeing each other secretly.

"Their parents didn't approve of them being together" because of the age difference, she said. "It wasn't because he was a shady character, because he wasn't."

Neighbor John Hohman, 40, said his family got a phone call from Lancaster County emergency management officials Sunday morning warning them to stay inside. He said he looked out a window and saw police running through the neighborhood. About an hour and a half later, authorities told residents to go to their basements.

"We were really upset. We didn't know what was going on," Hohman said.

'WWE Smackdown!' Star Guerrero Dies

MINNEAPOLIS - Eduardo Gory Guerrero, a World Wrestling Entertainment superstar was found dead in his hotel room Sunday in Minneapolis, where he was scheduled to appear that evening in a WWE Supershow. He was 38.

When he didn't respond to a wake-up call, hotel security at Minneapolis Marriott City Center and Guerrero's nephew and fellow WWE wrestler, Chavo Guerrero, forced their way into the room, police said.

There were no apparent signs of foul play or suicide, police said. An autopsy was planned at the Hennepin County medical examiner's office.

He was a featured star on the UPN series "WWE Smackdown!" and son of Mexican wrestler Gory Guerrero.

Chavo Guerrero and McMahon said Guerrero was open about his past drug and alcohol abuse but they said he'd been sober for four years.

In February 2004, Guerrero became the second wrestler of Hispanic heritage to be WWE champion when he defeated Brock Lesnar, a former University of Minnesota wrestling standout. Guerrero lost the title four months later.

In May 2004, UPN aired the special "Cheating Death, Stealing Life: The Eddie Guerrero Story." The one-hour program chronicled his childhood and his struggle with drug addiction that almost cost him his job, family and life before his recovery and eventual capture of the WWE championship.

HORMONOLOGY

The moon.
The stars.
Tarot cards.
Handwriting analysis.

Now, when it comes to women, there may be a more accurate way to predict the future, according to author Gabrielle Lichterman. Instead of being based on the stars and the planets in the sky, hormonology uses your own hormone cycle to determine what your day's going to be like, according to Lichterman.

Here's hormonology 101.
"Day 1, day 2, day 3, these are good days for brain storming, creative projects, for sticking close to home," the author says. "If you're in a relationship you're going to feel closer to him. If you're dating you're going to feel this drive to find a guy."

And days 10-15 ... we'll call the days of temptation involving both men ... and money.

"While you're feeling close to your mate, you're also feeling the hormonal drive to cheat. These have been shown to be the days most likely where you try and find some fun on the side," Lichterman adds.

HOUSTON: ANDREA YATES MAY GET NEW TRIAL

(HOUSTON, November 10) -- The Houston mother, who admitted to drowning her five young children in a bathtub, may get a new trial. The state's highest criminal court upheld a lower court ruling that threw out Andrea Yates' capital murder convictions. Defense lawyers appealed the conviction on the grounds that a prosecution witness lied at Yate's trial about how she got the idea to kill her children. The defense said without that false testimony, jurors might have found Yates insane. Attorneys on both sides of the case say a new trial is no simple matter. Yates is in a psychiatric unit in east Texas.

HOUSTON: ANDREA YATES MAY GET NEW TRIAL

(HOUSTON, November 10) -- The Houston mother, who admitted to drowning her five young children in a bathtub, may get a new trial. The state's highest criminal court upheld a lower court ruling that threw out Andrea Yates' capital murder convictions. Defense lawyers appealed the conviction on the grounds that a prosecution witness lied at Yate's trial about how she got the idea to kill her children. The defense said without that false testimony, jurors might have found Yates insane. Attorneys on both sides of the case say a new trial is no simple matter. Yates is in a psychiatric unit in east Texas.

Walmart after Thanksgiving Sale

Wal-Mart's After Thanksgiving Sale!!
(Categorized and Alphabetized by Christie!!)
Below you will see a list of all the items that go on sale the day after Thanksgiving at Wal-Mart. This list has been leaked out on the internet and I have posted it for all your shopping needs.

Toys:
Bratz Wild West Meygan Doll, Horse, Outfit $19.97
Cinderella Solstice Roadster Ride-On $199.44
Fisher-Price Tumble Time Tigger $24.88
VTech V.Smile TV Learning System $49.84
1/10th Scale Hummer H2 or Jeep Radio Control Vehicle $20.00
2-pack Fly Wheels or Hot Wheels Gravity Set $5.00
Board Game 2-pack Combo $10.00
BRATZ Big Babyz 14" Doll $19.66
Brietta the Pegasus from Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus $21.44
Cabbage Patch Newborn $10.00
Care Bear with Bonus DVD $5.00
Dora the Explorer: Dora's Talking Kitchen $79.94
DreamLife Plug n' Play TV Game $29.88
Fisher Price Little People Animal Sounds Zoo Playset $10.00
Fisher Price Little People Noah\'s Ark Playset $10.00
Fisher-Price Dora's Talking Dollhouse $44.87
Fisher-Price Dora's Talking House Furniture $14.97
Fisher-Price Dress & Dance Dora $24.88
Fisher-Price Elmo or Pooh Knows Your Name Plush Doll $38.88
Fisher-Price Laugh & Learn Learning Home $54.47
Fisher-Price Laugh & Learn Musical Learning Chair $24.77
Fisher-Price Star Station Entertainment System $49.76
Fisher-Price Stride-to-Ride Learning Car Walker/ Ride-on $27.77
Furby Emototronic Friend $29.88
FurReal Friends $39.97
Girls Quest Tetra or Boys Quest Boomer 20" Bike $25.88
Hot Wheels AcceleRacers AcceleDrome Track Set $49.97
Jeep Power Wheels 4x4 Ride-on Vehicle $79.88
LeapFrog Leapster Learning System w/ Leapster Software (3) $89.88
LeapFrog My First LeapPad Alphabet Bus $29.44
LeapPad Book Assortment $6.88
LeapPad Plus Writing System $25.00
Lifetime Acrylic Portable Basketball Goal $99.83
Little Tikes Hummer H2: Yellow $199.77
Magic Glow Doodle Bear $19.88
Mermaid Barbie Doll Assortment $5.00
Moon Shoes $29.88
My Little Pony Butterfly Island Playset $39.84
Playskool Cool Crew Talkin' Tool Bench $32.97
Playskool VideoNow Jr. Player $49.84
Pool, Table Tennis & Poker 3-in-1 Game Table $98.00
Power Wheels Grave Digger Monster Truck $269.66
Quest X-Fire 26" Dual Suspension 15-Speed Bike $49.88
Roboraptor $99.87
Sleeping Bag / Chair Combo (Princess, Sports or Monkey) $18.00
Star Wars Electronic Light Saber $8.00
Thomas & Friends Train Cars $9.88
Thomas & Friends Train Set $39.76
Trampoline with Basketball Hoop $184.00
Trivial Pursuit DVD Game: Pop Culture 2 $19.72
UNO Attack! Card Game $9.97
Yu-Gi-Oh Trading Card Gift Set $18.00

Electronics:
23" Color Television w/ Front AV Inputs $99.72
Philips HDD077 2GB MP3 Player $99.72
20" Flat Screen TV / DVD Player Combo $129.83
256MB USB 2.0 Flash Drive $13.88
27" Flat Screen Tube TV $247.00
Casio 61-Key Keyboard w/ Sing-Along Feature $89.76
Cingular Motorola Razr V3 Package $88.73
Cyberhome CH-DVR1200 DVD Recorder $79.86
Delphi RoadyXT XM Satellite Receiver $76.36
Dora the Explorer 13" TV & DVD Player $99.77
Durabrand 5-CD Home Stereo System $38.77
DVD Recorder w/ VCR Combo $168.87
Emerson Dual Screen 7" Car DVD Player $149.84
FujiFilm 6.3 MP FinePix F10 Digital Camera $348.47
Gameboy Advance SP (Cobalt, Platinum, Flame, Onyx) $48.88
Home Theater Sound System $59.87
Home Theater Sound System with Speakers and Subwoofer $248.00
Home Trends Entertainment Wall System $144.93
HP Pavillion 1203w-b Desktop w /15" LCD Monitor $398.00
HP Pavillion Computer w/ 15" LCD $588.00
HP Pavillion ze2308wm Notebook Computer $398.00
HP Photosmart E317 Digital Camera $98.88
HP Photosmart M415v 5.2MP Digital Camera w/ Instant Share $148.76
ilo 26" Widescreen LCD HDTV Monitor w/ DVI $696.00
JVC GR-D244US MiniDV Digital Camcorder $248.00
Kodak 3.1MP EasyShare CD33 Digital Camera $129.74
Kodak Digital Camera Accessory Kit $19.96
Kodak Z760 Digital Camera with Docking Cradle $199.00
LCD TV/Monitor Wall Mounting Kit $32.86
Lexmark X1185 All-in-One Printer, Scanner and Copier $39.88
Memorex Portable Karaoke System With CD/CD+G $24.96
Playstation 2 System $149.00
Polaris Sportsman 700, 12V 2-Speed with Suspension $288.00
Polaroid Digital Camera $288.63
Polaroid Flat Panel 15" LCD TV $194.00
Portable CD Player $9.97
Portable Laptop Carrying Bag $9.88
RCA 128 MB Lyra Digital Audio Player RD1028 $39.44
Sanyo DVW-7200 DVD/VCR Combo $69.87
Sony Video Camera $298.84
Spongebob Squarepants 13" TV & DVD Player $99.77
Trac Phone w/ 40 Minutes of Airtime $19.98
Uniden Cordless Phone $18.96
Venturer 6.2" Portable DVD Player $79.86
Venturer DVD Player Carrying Bag w/ Car Cord $9.74
VideoNow Color Player $25.00
VTech V.Smile Pocket Portable Game System $79.88
Wireless Desktop with Keyboard and Mouse $14.88
XBOX Sysem Bundle with One Game $179.24

CDs/DVDs:
Assorted DVDs (Passion, Miss Congeniality 2, more) $13.72
Assorted DVD Movies (Minority Report, Entrapment, more) $3.44
DVD Box Sets (Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, more) $19.86
Garth Brooks Limited 6-CD Box Set $25.00
About Music DVD Game (Country) $17.46
Stocking Stuffer DVDs (50 First Dates, Starsky & Hutch, more) $9.44

Jewelry:
18" or 20" Figaro or Rope Chain (10kt Gold) $18.88
2 Pair Earring Set (White or Yellow Gold) $18.88
3-pack Fashion Jewelry Gift Box $3.00

Home/Appliances:
12 cup Coffeemaker, Food Chopper or 2 qt. Slow Cooker $4.24
150 Count Multi-Function Light Set $7.76
16 qt. Roaster Oven $20.00
4-post "Princess" Bed Canopy $77.34
48 Piece Table & Flatware Set $19.83
Brother Sewing Machine $55.00
Canister Vac with Onboard Tools $20.00
Farberware 24 Piece Cookware and Bakeware Set $49.97
Hamilton Beach BrewStation 12-Cup Thermal Coffeemaker $32.47
Hamilton Beach Toasteroven $32.47
Hamilton Beach WaveStation 8-Speed Dispensing Blender $32.47
Inflatable 6' Santa in Chimney $59.76
Lighted Wire Frame Reindeer $14.88
Magic Bullet Blender Set $44.88
Mini Mushroom Chair $10.00
Round Canopy $12.88
Springmaid Cotton Luxury Towels $3.00
Stanley 10 Drawer Tool Chest w/ 79 Piece Tool Set $79.83
Stick Vac (Assorted Colors) $10.00
Toaster, Hotplate, Tabletop Oven $20.00

Clothing:
Boys' Athletic Works Reversible Vest $7.00
Boys' Faded Glory Carpenter Jeans $6.47
Boys' Flannel Sleep Pants $4.00
Disney Dress Outfit $10.00
Girls' Faded Glory Embroidered Jeans $6.00
Girls' Faded Glory Ribbed Sweater $6.00
Girls' Holiday Sleep Pants $4.00
Ladies' 3-piece Sleepwear Set $10.00
Ladies' Down Vest $10.00
Ladies' White Stag Sweaters $7.00
Mens' 1/4 Zip Polar Fleece Jacket $7.00
Mens' Athletic Works Reversible Vest $10.00
Mens' Faded Glory Carpenter Jeans $7.47
Mens' Flannel Sleep Pants $5.00

Christie's Brown Bag Turkey

It's the one I recommend to anyone doing a turkey for the first time, although even experienced cooks will be surprised at how good their turkey will come out.

· Get a big ole turkey.

· Take out all the junk inside.

· Wash the turkey thoroughly and then dry it off.

· Using a paintbrush, coat the turkey with olive oil.

· Slide the turkey into a brown paper bag. Staple shut.

· Sprinkle the bag lightly with water. The bag won't burn because paper burns at Fahrenheit 451.

· Cook for 12 - 14 minutes per pound un-stuffed

Notes

· If you have a huge turkey, use two bags

· sliding end of the turkey into one bag and the other end of the turkey into the second bag.

· The advantage of the brown paper bag over the Reynolds cooking bag is that the paper breathes so the turkey roasts.

· In the Reynolds bag, the turkey steams, giving it a different taste. Roasted turkey is better!

· Also, the brown paper bag retains the same advantage of the plastic cooking bag...no splatters all over the oven.

· Be sure to lower the rack so that it doesn't touch the heating elements if you have an electric stove.

Preheat oven to 325.

Positive Energy

Psychiatrist and author Dr. Judith Orloff's book, Positive Energy, provides 10 detailed prescriptions for harnessing one's "positive energy" to replace fatigue with physical and emotional vigor. Her commonsense program includes pursuing an individual spiritual path, designing an energy-building diet and exercise plan, learning to celebrate laughter and protecting oneself from "energy vampires." Here are Orloff's six interventions to keep in your emergency toolbox when negative people, situations, or emotions become eating triggers:

Distinguish an addictive craving from a true need. Are you eating to soothe a negative emotion, such as stress, anxiety, or anger? When you feel an intense craving come on, pause and try to identify the feeling/circumstances behind it. Also, keep track of which foods prompt addictive cravings, and try to limit them.
Quickly pinpoint energetic stressors that trigger addictive cravings. Immediately ask yourself: Have I been exposed to bad energy (e.g., a siege of phone messages from an overbearing mother, a loud-mouthed neighbor, a final notice on a bill)? Don't write off the "smaller" incidents that notoriously send sensitive people like you to the refrigerator. The trick is to clear it as soon as possible once you've been "slimed" by someone's negativity.
Breathe negativity out of your system. Take a five-minute break for damage control. Using your breath as an aid, breathe in light, breathe out stress. Breathe in clarity, breathe out fear. Focus on breathing out toxic vibes. Pay attention to the places in your body where the energy seems to get stuck. You're in charge of the flow.
Pray to release the addictive craving. Get into a quiet state and ask your higher power for self-compassion and calm. Once you surrender your ego involvement, this simple heartfelt request works every time.
Wash it away. A quick way to dissolve negative energy is to immerse yourself in a bath or shower. Water has alchemical cleansing properties that will purify your physical body and energy field. It really works!
Burn sage. Just because energy is invisible doesn't mean it isn't there. Leftover negative energy deposited in your home or office can accumulate and subliminally wear at you, triggering addictive eating. Dried sage and sage "smudge sticks" available in health-food stores will cleanse the room of negative energy.
When the impulse to overeat hits:
Pinpoint the trigger
Notice if you were around an energy vampire, someone who drains your energy (for example a drama queen, complainer or blamer)
Take a deep breath before running to the refrigerator
Protect yourself from the energy vampire. For instance, set limits with a friend who complains or don't ask about a drama queen's antics.
Do the 3 minute mediation in Positive Energy to reduce your stress before your overeat.
Positive Self-talk: tell yourself what a great job you've done in dealing with the stress rather than overeating.
You can look up more information at www.drjudithorloff.com.

Go-Kart School

Here is something cool to go try. Go-Kart school, they had this one Channel 4 this morning and it looked pretty cool! Go Faster Kart School is offered at North Texas Kartway in Denton (7 miles north of Denton, exit 473 off 35W). For school sessions, karts are tuned to speeds of 60-70 mph, which feels more like 200 mph when you're an inch off the ground on straightaways just 618 feet long. This is the only racing school like this in Texas, Oklahoma and Louisiana. Only $100 gets you several laps and instruction - must be age 12 and over, For more information, log onto their website: www.gofasterkarting.com.

A girl and a guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road on a motorcycle...

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared.
Guy: No, this is fun.
Girl: No it's not. Please it's too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.
Girl: hugs him:
Guy: Can you take my helmet off and put it on yourself? It's bugging me.

(in the paper the next day): A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. Two people were on it, but only 1 had survived. The truth was that
halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him and felt her hug one last time, then he had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die.

If u love any one this much...let them know...before its too late... I

luv u 4 ever.....and always 2 the end....i cant live with out you!!

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.


FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P. F. N) A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

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3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

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4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

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5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

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6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

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7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

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10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

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11. Since the number 99 is pronounced ninety nine why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

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12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

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14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

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16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.

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17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

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18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

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19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

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22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

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23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

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As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells
"THEIRS"?

Do you know who your neighbor is?

JUST TYPE IN THE ZIP CODE TO FIND AN OFFENDER IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD.

You will be amazed with how many are living in your area, so please be aware.

Just click the link at the bottom and type ONLY your ZIP code.

Click Here

The Game

There is this book that is out and my local morning show has been raving about this book.It called The Game
Click here to go to Amazon.com and see the book that Rich was talking about The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. He suggests both women and men should read it.Women find out what men intenacly do to pick you up. And men find out you can do to make a women go home with you.

Desperados Tryouts

Tryouts for the Dallas Desperados football team are Saturday, November 5 at Texas Stadium. Participants will be judged in the 40-yard dash, the 20-yard shuttle and the standing broad jump. Players who perform well in these tests will be invited to the afternoon session where the coaching staff will evaluate their football skills. The evaluations of the quarterbacks, receivers, running backs and defensive backs will begin at 7am, while the linemen and fullbacks' session will start at 9am. The kickers should report at 2pm. All sessions will be non-padded, and participants are asked to bring cleats suitable for the grass-like surface at Texas Stadium. Cost for the session is $60, which includes all registration costs, a t-shirt and two lower level seats to the Desperados season opener. People who are interested can download the registration form from the Desperados website or pick up a hard copy in person at the Desperados office.

Brooke Shields pregnant again

Actress Brooke Shields, who turned a battle with postpartum depression into a book, is pregnant with her second child.

Her publicist, Alan Eichorn, said the baby is due in the spring.

After Shields and husband Christopher Thomas Henchy gave birth to daughter Rowan Francis in 2003, Shields chronicled her post-pregnancy experiences in Down Came the Rain: My Journey Through Postpartum Depression. The book was published in May.

The ''Suddenly Susan'' actress said she considered swallowing a bottle of pills or jumping out the window at her lowest point. A doctor later attributed her feelings to a plunge in her estrogen and progesterone levels and prescribed the antidepressant Paxil.

Shields has played Roxie Hart in the Broadway revival of ''Chicago'' since Sept. 9 and is set to leave the role Sunday. The show is in its ninth year on Broadway.

The actress scored a critical and popular success in New York last season when she stepped into the role of Ruth Sherwood in the revival of ''Wonderful Town.''

Shields also has appeared on Broadway as Rizzo in the revival of ''Grease!'' and as Sally Bowles in ''Cabaret.'' AP

7 pitfalls retiring baby boomers must avoid

If your retirement seems just around the corner, join the crowd. But watch for these missteps that can trip up even well-considered retirement plans.

As baby boomers near their retirement years -- the first boomer turns 60 on Jan. 1 --they're discovering what previous retirees have been complaining about for years.

There's lots of information on how to plan for retirement, but not nearly enough on how to plan retirement itself.

The stakes are perilously high. Errors made in the years surrounding retirement can haunt you for life. You can end up with less money, or less retirement, than you'd planned. Or you can face big tax bills that could have been avoided had you known better.

Here, according to retirement income experts, are some of the most common mistakes and how to avoid them:

Underestimating your life expectancy
Financial planners used to routinely create retirement plans that stopped at age 85, because the chances seemed pretty good their clients would be dead by then. (The average life expectancy at age 65 is 10.3 years for men, 12.4 years for women.)

But averages don't tell the tale. You may be in better health than the average Joe or Jane, take better care of yourself or have better genes. Even if you don't, your spouse might; Fidelity Investments has found that the chances of one member of a couple living past 90 are about 50%.

To read more about this article Click Here

When it pays to stay single

Though being married offers a number of financial advantages, being single also has some clear-cut benefits. Learn how it affects taxes, credit, debt and other key issues.

Every married person who has argued with a spouse about money has longed to be single again and in total financial control.

That wish usually subsides -- how quickly depends in part on the dollar amount in dispute. But that fleeting thought raises an interesting question.

Is there a time when being single is more financially desirable?

Sure, marriage has many economic advantages, such as pooled income, shared health-insurance coverage, although more companies now also offer this benefit to unmarried couples, and Social Security survivor benefits. Even the marriage tax penalty has been eased in recent years.

But in some instances, it's more practical to remain unhitched.

"One thing to keep in mind is that it's always a mix of financial and emotional decisions," says Scott Farber, a wealth management adviser based in Natick, Mass. "It's difficult to look at a relationship from a strictly financial standpoint."

"However, there are some general instances when it might be better not to be married."

That's how Sheryl Garrett, a certified financial planner with Garrett Planning Network in Shawnee Mission, Kan., sees it, too.

"There are definitely way more advantages on (the married) side of the fence," says Garrett. "But there are some clear ones on the unmarried side, too."

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7 Home Repairs You Can't Ignore

Homeowner procrastination can ruin a house. Don't let water, pests, faulty wiring, dirty chimneys or old appliances get the upper hand.

Owning a house is expensive, which is why so many homeowners procrastinate on repairs. Real-estate agents have a euphemism for this condition: It's called "deferred maintenance."

Some fixes, however, should never be delayed. Ignoring these problems can result in much more expensive repairs later on—or even injury and death.

Here's what home inspectors around the country say you should be on the lookout for:

A water leak—anywhere
A stain on your ceiling. A toilet that rocks. White powdery stuff that grows on your bricks or foundation. A musty smell in your house.

Whatever the source, the culprit is water, and the damage can be severe.

"Water is probably the single most destructive force to a house," said inspector Jeff Del Guercio, owner of An Objective Inspection in Throop, Pa., and president of the local National Association of Home Inspectors chapter. "And a leak can go on for a long time without being noticed."

Left unchecked, leaks can lead to rot, dry rot, mold and termite infestations. Water can cause roofs to collapse, foundations to buckle and all manner of expensive repairs. What's more, water-related problems can