Cut those habit strings and become an independent woman.Excerpted from "You Can Do It! The Merit Badge Handbook for Grown-up Girls.” Written by Lauren Catuzzi Grandcolas, a grown-up Girl Scout herself, this inspirational guidebook helps women seek out new experiences and dare to dream. Whether it’s learning yoga, perfecting your negotiation skills, or managing your healthcare, You Can Do It! will guide you through it, step-by-step.
Why Quit?
Imagine This... You couldn't face your desk without a giant cup of coffee, which you thought made you productive -- until you realized it made you twitch. Or maybe you couldn't get to sleep until every kid toy was put away, and your living room looked like a House Beautiful photo spread. It's not that you actually wanted to do these things, but you felt like a helpless marionette, with habit pulling your strings. Once you cut those strings, you can finally stop being a meek creature of habit and be a truly independent woman. Maybe you'll up and quit smoking or start to reclaim the sunny weekends and oodles of cash you used to spend shopping on the Web -- anything's possible! Prepare to square your shoulders, analyze your behavior, and transform your thoughts and actions for good. You can do it!
The Payoffs
* Time. Do the math: how many minutes did you spend last year keeping up this habit, even though you gained precious little from it? Aren't there lots of ways you'd rather spend that time?
* Money. Even if your habit isn't costly (lucky you), you've probably spent cold hard cash trying to cover it up or keep it in check -- hello, breath mints, dieting books, and debt consolidators!
* Freedom. Our habits can keep us from going places, trying new things, and being with people we enjoy; they restrict our freedom and cramp our style.
* Pride. Because getting out from under an old habit can feel like climbing Mt. Everest, you deserve to feel proud and exhilarated when you finally make it!
From the book: YOU CAN DO IT!, The Merit Badge Handbook for Grown-Up Girls, by Lauren Catuzzi Grandcolas, (c) 2005 (Used with permission of Chronicle Books LLC, San Francisco, CA, www.YouCanDoItBook.com.)
Meet Your Mentor
Cherry Pedrick
What She Does: Cherry is a registered nurse and the coauthor of several books, including The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder with Bruce Hyman, PhD, The Habit Change Workbook: How to Break Bad Habits and Form Good Ones and The BDD Workbook, Overcome Body Dysmorphic Disorder and End Body Image Obsessions with James Claiborn, PhD, Helping Your Child with OCD: A Workbook for Parents of Children with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder with Lee Fitzgibbons, PhD, and Loving Someone with OCD: Help for You and Your Family with Karen Landsman, PhD, and Kathy Parrish, MA, MS.
Why She Does It: "I worked as a nurse for 20 years and have always been interested in healthcare and helping people. Then I developed obsessive-compulsive disorder at age 40 and began researching the condition. One thing led to another, and I began to write, which had always been a secret ambition but one that didn't seem practical as a career when I was a student. I wrote several articles about OCD and published a continuing education course on the subject for fellow nurses. I wanted to point people with OCD in the right direction through a book, so I went to an Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation conference and joined up with my first coauthor, Bruce Hyman, PhD. While habits are not the same as obsessive-compulsive behaviors, some aspects intersect -- so The Habit Change Workbook was born, along with a Web site (www.cherrypedrick.com). Basically, the more I learned, the stronger my desire to share hope with others became."
Word from the Wise: "Habits are often formed because we use the behavior as some kind of reward. But eventually, changing that behavior can make us feel better than the habit ever could -- it's a far better reward, and the self-esteem and confidence that ensure are tremendous; they definitely spill over into other areas of one's life."
Badge Steps
1. Define your habit.
If you are reading this, you probably have a habit that you'd like to change. Being late, eating sweets, biting your nails, even overexercising -- just about anything can feel like a bad habit. What all these behaviors have in common is that they initially serve a purpose -- like relieving tension, alleviating boredom, getting attention, etc. -- but we keep doing them after they outlive their usefulness. The behavior stops being rewarding once our health, finances, career, relationships, self-esteem, etc., have started to suffer, yet we can't seem to stop doing it.
Habits aren't the same as addictions or disorders like obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), though they can be every bit as harmful and demoralizing. How can you tell them apart? Check out More Tips and Pointers and make sure your concern isn't more than just a habit. The steps that follow can be a critical part of your recovery from any habitual behavior -- but if a chemical substance or obsessive-compulsive disorder is involved, you will likely need additional help.
Select one habit you'd like to break.
2. Monitor your habit.
While you may spend a lot of time indulging in your habit, you may not understand it all that well -- and since it's become part of your routine, you may not even realize exactly how or how often you do it. So get a notebook and describe your habit: What is it? When did it begin? Has it changed over time? How do people react to it? Then, for a week, record every time you engage in the behavior. Next to each notation, write:
* What else you were doing at the time: Where were you? Who was there with you? What time of day was it?
* What you were feeling: before, during, and after.
* What you were thinking: This can be hard to discern, since we are often robotic about our habits. Slow down so that you can hear your mind say things like, "I deserve this," "I'll feel better after this," "I don't want to do this, but I'll worry about it later." Cherry says you shouldn't be surprised if this simple act of recordkeeping reduces the severity of your habit. But don't worry if it doesn't, and don't stop now. If you really want to rid your life of a habit, keep going.
Spend one week getting to know your habit inside and out.
3. Consider a change.
Even if you're already convinced you want to change, thinking your decision through will reinforce your efforts. So take some time to consider your answers to these questions:
* Does the habit interfere with your family or social life? With your work life? With your finances?
* Do you think you'd be happier without it? Why?
* Imagine your life without this habit, and describe the differences. Devote at least one entire page in your notebook to writing about the advantages of keeping the habit, and another page to the disadvantages. Your reasons for wanting to change should now be crystal clear. Review these pages often, and make copies that you can post in places you'll see throughout the day.
Detail your reasons for wanting to change.
More Badge Steps
4. Commit to change.
A commitment is more than a desire. Back up your resolve with these actions:
* Write in your notebook about any past efforts you made to break the habit. Give plenty of details: What were the circumstances? What tools did you use? How did you stumble?
* Write about exactly what you'd like to change. Be specific and realistic by setting both long- and short-term goals. If your long-term goal is to tame your sweet tooth, your short-term goal may be to substitute fresh fruit for pastry, cookies, or ice cream each night for a week.
* Pick and write down a change date that's at least one week away (so that you have time to line up the resources that follow), but not more than two weeks from now. Don't wait for the time to be "just right," or your time may never come.
Make a commitment and set the date.
5. Don't go it alone.
Discuss your habit and your plans to change with one or more friends or family members. Let them know that nagging, criticizing, guilt, and "shoulds" don't work, and ask them for support, praise, and positive reinforcement. Show them your notebook if you like. If someone in your life is not supportive (for reasons of their own, some people in our lives may prefer we not change) take them out of your loop to the extent that you can. Also:
* Ask someone who has made a similar change to mentor you. Check in with this person regularly.
* Read true-life stories of people who have made inspiring changes or accomplished challenging goals in magazines, and check out books about changing habits.
* Seek out a support group or consider one-on-one work with a therapist. You might want to find an online chat group as well or form your own.
* If you are a spiritual person, says Cherry, "maintaining and growing in your faith will help you build resilience."
Create a change support system.
6. Prepare for challenges.
Review your writings about your habit, and see if you can notice any situations and feelings that seem to trigger your habitual behavior. Then, consider what you could do differently in these circumstances to prevent that same old behavior from kicking in:
Relax. Deep breathing can be done anywhere, anytime, as can some forms of meditation. To increase your overall well-being, pay a little extra attention to exercising regularly, eating well, and sleeping enough. Develop a competing response. This is something incompatible with your habit that you can do when the urge to engage in your habit hits. If you tend to eat sweets in the evenings, can you take a yoga class or walk with a friend instead? If you bite your fingernails while watching TV, can you sew, knit, or bead instead?
Talk back to yourself. In Step 2, you identified what you were thinking when performing a habit. When those thoughts creep up, stop, listen, write them down -- and write down a snappy comeback.
Innovate. Remember that behaviors often become habitual because they relieve stress, reward our accomplishments, or soothe our disappointments. If you have identified these as triggers, create new methods of meeting those needs. How about a meal with a friend instead of a box of chocolates? A bubble bath instead of a shopping binge?
Know what you'll do when temptation strikes.
7. Call it quits, and get a fresh start.
You've approached your change date with preparation that paves the way for success. Review your notes often to remind yourself of what you are gaining by losing that habit and to remember the coping mechanisms you have brainstormed. The time has come to change, and you're ready! Make your quitting day celebratory, a beginning rather than an ending. Plan some pampering, and do what you can to minimize the number of personal triggers (stress, boredom, loneliness) you'll face. Think of the change you are making as a journey rather than a destination, and stay on the road even if you do encounter potholes or detours.
Greet your change date with a smile.
CONGRATULATIONS! It's easier to get around without a monkey on your back, no? You did it!
More Tips and Pointers
Success stories from other women who have dared to dream.
I Did It!
"I usually smoked by myself, so I thought I could quit by myself. But after several failed attempts, I decided to try a new way. I 'fessed up to my doctor -- who wound up being a former smoker -- and she suggested I start taking a prescription medication several weeks before I wanted to quit. I also bought some books on the subject and followed their directions for writing about my habit. Then I found a 12-step group for people trying to quit cigarettes. I found so much support there and learned a lot about how other people had kicked the habit -- and about the many ways people relapse. I hated to admit that I needed all this help, but I did. And by getting it, I became a nonsmoker." -- Pat
Slippery Slope
"I'm the kind of all-or-nothing person who thinks that if I succumb to eating one potato chip, I might as well eat the whole bag because, what the heck, I'm a weak-willed schmuck. When I was trying to stop shopping each payday, I had to change my thinking. I've slipped to one degree or another several times. Once, instead of saying, 'Well, you're in the parking lot, so you might as well go into the mall and charge up a storm,' I actually stopped the car, thought about whether I really, really wanted to be there, and left. Instead of berating myself, I got to pat myself on the back and reaffirm my goal. I realized it's up to me whether I slip a little bit or a lot. -- Jennifer
Addiction
Coming to terms.
If you even suspect that chemical addiction to drugs, alcohol, or nicotine may be a problem for you:
* Speak frankly with your family doctor. Your health is at stake, and there are medical interventions that can make quitting easier.
* Call Alcoholics and/or Narcotics Anonymous, or the local council on alcohol and drug dependence. You are not alone, and they are there to help -- without shame or blame.
* Bring concerns about sexual or spending/gambling behaviors that feel "out of control" to one of these resources as well.
OCD
Coming to terms.
OCD is characterized by obsessions, which are "persistent ideas, images, impulses, or thoughts that intrude into a person's thinking and cause distress, anxiety, and worry," and by compulsions, or "repetitive behaviors or mental acts performed in response to obsessions." As The Habit Change Workbook states, "A person with OCD feels he or she must perform these compulsions in order to prevent or avoid a dreaded event such as illness, death, or perceived misfortune." While the steps that follow can help with OCD, further help in the form of therapy and/or medication will probably be necessary. Talk to your doctor to find additional resources.
Declare a Guilt-Free Zone
Guilt is a lousy motivator.
Guilt is one of the major consequences of bad habits for most people. You might think this would be a potent impetus toward change, but it's not. As Cherry points out, well-meaning friends and family members have probably already tried to use guilt to get you to change, and how did that work for you? Probably not so well. Here's why: Guilt adds to our feelings of helplessness, compounding the sense that we are out-of-control losers who will never be able to modify our behavior. It can actually demoralize you to the point of giving up the whole idea of change, so as to avoid the guilt of failure afterwards. What's more, many of our habitual behaviors serve to soothe and comfort our bad feelings. Guilt is a pretty bad feeling -- so when we feel it, we might find ourselves triggered right back into the habitual behavior. So before it gets to you, give guilt the boot!
Oops!
I did it again...
Lapses and relapses happen even to people who have abstained from a habit for long periods of time. A relapse is a return to an old pattern, while a lapse is a brief episode of problem behavior. But any lapse or relapse can be reversed -- it's never too late to make a course correction. If you slip up:
* Don't let yourself free-fall into a shame spiral. Challenge the thought that since you slipped, you'll never be able to get back up.
* Write about your slip and identify the triggering circumstances. Plan how you'll deal with similar circumstances in the future.
* Review the advantages, disadvantages, and consequences of your habit.
* Develop new "competing response" strategies.
* Amp up your support. If you've resisted seeking outside help, give it a try.
Help and Be Helped
The 12-Step Way
Anonymous 12-step programs exist to help people recover from a variety of addictions and behaviors, including alcohol, narcotics, nicotine, caretaking, overeating, gambling, and sex. Information and group meetings are available around the world.
* Check your local phone book.
* Do a Google search for the Web site of the group you are interested in (Alcoholics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, etc.).
* If you are grappling with the addiction or behavior of another person, consider Al-Anon, www.al-anon.org.
Advice from the Expert
Cherry's Tips: Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
James Prochaska, PhD, has developed a model of the stages of change. Change is a process and most of us don't progress smoothly from one stage to the next in a straight line -- we hop around. View this as part of your process, not as being back at square one. Where are you now?
Precontemplation. The intention to change has not yet been formed.
Contemplation. A problem has been recognized and the desire to work on it formed.
Preparation. You want to change and have perhaps made some efforts to do so.
Action. You are actively trying to change.
Maintenance. Every bit as active as the "action" phase, this is our ongoing effort to prevent relapse.
Beyond the Badge
If you love it as much as you thought you would, dream on...
Cultivate a happy habit. The competing responses you created to help you break a bad habit just might be habit-worthy -- especially if they are healthy, relaxing, and affordable. The steps for change that you completed above are every bit as helpful for adding a good new habit as for subtracting a bad old one. Here's how it works:
* Identify and write down the advantages, disadvantages, and consequences of this new habit you'd like to develop.
* Keep a journal as you try out the new behavior so that you can easily spot and either boost or counteract the feelings and circumstances that make it easy or hard.
* Find allies and people who will support you -- or maybe even engage in the habit with you (ideal for exercising).
Make it convenient. If you are trying to eat more fruits and vegetables, for instance, shop where the selection is good, keep your fridge stocked, and fill a bowl where you can't miss it.
Make it a family or group affair. Every member of your family may not have the same habit they'd like to change, but you can still create a positive, supportive team atmosphere by encouraging them to work through the steps you are taking to address their own goals. Any group of people can provide this kind of camaraderie by meeting regularly in person or online and working through the change process together. Consider forming such a group with friends, coworkers you can meet with over lunch, or with members of your church, gym, etc.
Support someone else's change. As we've all probably learned by now, you can't change another person. But you can be an aid rather than an impediment, as noted in Step 5. You can take this role a step further by mentoring someone struggling with an issue you too have grappled with. Twelve-step programs for addiction recovery consider this so important that they've made it one of their steps and an integral part of their program. Supporting another person's efforts is good for them and good for us. It can help us to feel useful and remind us (lest we get cocky and forget) of the steps essential to success.
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